Life is Not Equal

We live a life where we want to have equality. We dig sexist remarks and we expect things to be partial every time.

For certain things there are exception, and we know it and we cannot complain.

[Female Colleague] “Boss, I am having a very bad PMS today. The flow is terrible; I don’t think I can make it into office.”

[Boss] “No problem. Take care of yourself. If it gets too bad, go see a doctor.”

And who do we blame for men not having period?

[Almost Virgin] “Boss, I am having PMS today. I feel horrible; I don’t think I can make it into office.”

[Boss] “Eh, you crazy issit? If you don’t come, then I WILL have PMS and then I WILL make sure YOU understand the true meaning of horrible.”

Equality? My foot!

Why does woman get the wholesome rights to wear pink? Woman should not have the distributorship to own the color pink. Pink should be deemed as unisex and it is deemed as unisex. Why do people consider pink to be sweet and demure?

Why do people go “Eeeeeeeeee” when I wear pink? Why do people say I look damn gay when I wear pink? Why to people think that I am a homo when I wear pink. Why would Corina ask me to check out that beefy piece of meatball when he is not handsome at all? Why the hell would people think I am gay? I am not Dino.

Equality holds when both parties have no idea what it means.

No one would ever know whether it is more painful getting kicked in the balls? Or is it more painful giving birth to babies. I mean no one would really ever know.

Equality will never hold.

A woman gets touched by a man and she screams “Molest!”

A man gets touched by a woman and he yells “Shiok Man!”

---------------------Girls------------------
--------------are like apples---------------
----------on trees.The best ones------------
--------are at the top of the tree.---------
------The boys dont want to reach-----------
-----for the good ones because they---------
----r afraid of falling and getting hurt.---
----Instead, they get the rotten apples-----
---from the ground that arent as good,------
---but easy. So the apples up top think ----
---something wrong with them when in -------
----reality they're amazing. They just------
------have to wait for the right boy -------
-------to come along, the one who's---------
--------------brave enough to---------------
-----------------climb all------------------
------------------the way-------------------
-----------------to the top-----------------
----------------of the tree-----------------

by SOME GIRL

--------------------Girls-------------------
-------------believe that they -------------
------- are the apples at the top of -------
------the tree. They always think that -----
-----they are so high up and they are the --
---best. These apples can wait. They will --
---wait until they become rotten and then --
----they fall onto the ground. Ants and –---
-----Cockroaches will come and eat them –---
------up and then they realized they -------
----------should have been grown -----------
-------------shorter so that at ------------
-----------------least someone -------------
------------------would have ---------------
------------------gotten them --------------
------------------rather than --------------
-----------------to be wasted --------------
----------------by some insects-------------

by ALMOST VIRGIN

Chronicles of Salsa

I had a dream last night. Dino appeared in my dreams and he asked me to blog about this. “With greater powers, you bear greater responsibilities.” he said.

I awakened and the first thing I checked was whether I wet my bed. Thank god.

I picked up my pen and here goes.

------------------------------------------------

I had been dancing Salsa for close to 20 months now. In fact, I had been learning Salsa for 1 year, 7 months, 6 days, 5 hours and 43 minutes and 21 seconds already. I can say I am still learning and I love it.

How to dance Salsa? It’s pretty easy.

First you tap your left feet and then you step out your left feet. Step on the spot with your right feet and take back your left feet. Do the exact replica starting with your right feet.

Ta da! Isn’t it a miracle! Now you can Salsa too.

So everybody does Salsa. Everybody can Salsa. Everybody loves Salsa.

There are tons of extreme Salsa fanatics around, beginning with me, but we might not be the best Salsa dancers. Do you have what it takes to be a good Salsa dancer?


Rule Number One – Smile.

Are you able to give a million dollar smile in every dance to everyone? The radiance to be displayed decorates the perfect dance. Look at the first-class dancers around, Jackson, Gary, Boon Cheong, Tze Yi, Biao Da, Yi Chuan. They all have one thing in common, they give a smile so beautiful when they dance, no girl would reject. Apparently, tons of girls would line up to dance with them. Partially because they are top-notch dancers, but also because these dancers are able to portray a form of comforting, relaxed and fun ambience to a dance.

Are you smiling now?


Rule Number Two – Smile. Not Laugh, but Smile.

You do not need to act like an idiot laughing like a monkey through out the dance. You will freak the lady out.

We are dancers. We are man. We are human. We do not behave like monkeys on the dance floor. Know your own comfort zone to understand how much personality you should display in a dance.

I understand that there are some men out there who believe in seeing the lady smile. They will do anything to make the lady smile. They believe that once the lady smile, they would have scored with the ladies.

Understand this thin fine line of smirk and smile. Some people are able to attain the highest level of sarcasm where they phrase their smirk like a smile. The rest are just plain stupid to understand what a smirk is.

Back to where I started, men would do anything to make the woman smile. They put dumb ass stickers on their ass so when they make a right turn, the dance partner can see an A4 size picture on his butt saying “Kick Me”. Some men signal the victory sign whenever they dip a girl. Some men just gave up all hope and goes to tickle the girl at the waist, ears or even armpit. Some even go on to touch the partner’s beard.

I mean strange things happen on the dance floor. It is just whether we see it.


Rule Number Three – Protection

In all circumstances, we need to protect our partners. Even if it means we go down head first, we go down head first. But c’mon, we can always use our ass. It is less painful that way.

I remember I once danced with a girl and the girl landed with her butt on the floor. I mean it is embarrassing for her and also for me. I never see her again for at least a month. She is back dancing and I thank god.

What actually happened?

I wasn’t doing a difficult move, I was just doing the simple “Normanda”, but apparently, I think she didn’t catch it. So it was a big screw up and I think she tripped over my leg and she was dropping further away from me. She was about to hit this gorgeous girl standing by the side, so I summoned the strength of Hercules and I pulled her back. Maybe I used too much strength and her whole body flung towards me and that’s how the both of us sat butt first on the floor. So I screwed up, but the point is I protected two ladies from probably suffering serious skull fracture. I protected the gorgeous looker from being pin balled by a fellow dancer. I protected the fellow dancer from flying to a spot further than the end of a rainbow.

A dancer would feel safe if the man watches out for her. Trust is built.


Rule Number Four – Beat and Timing

Remember, we do not beat the time. We stay on time and we stay on beat. Do not get all panicky and go all timing crazy. Feel and listen to the music. You dance like choo choo train; all the girls will run like choo choo train.

Listen well and you will be fine.


Rule Number Five – Musicality

Ah ha, you can see that now things are getting harder.

To a lot of people, they often ask me, how to be built up on musicality?

Majority, people will say that you listen to the music more often and they will naturally get into you. I say, first you got to love what you are doing. Secondly, you got to love the music that you are doing. Although most of the time, we don’t know a single crap what the singers are singing. But we can listen and we can feel. We are able to distinguish what a slow songs sounds like and how a fast song sounds like.

Personally, I feel that on the basis that I have no idea what the song means, it all leans down to my own interpretation of my music. My music.

We listen to the up beats and we listen to the accent. Some songs have certain sustain which are very obvious. These parts go long and they drag long. We use these as advantage.

Some songs have certain pause, certain breaks. We use these parts to stop and freeze, chill take a deep breath, smell her perfume and the dance goes on.

Musicality? Can’t buy that from 7-Eleven.


Rule Number Six – Dance Partner

My mentor once said to me while imparting his words of wisdom.

“We need to dance with everyone. Every lady partner that we dance with is a different form of experience. Based on the entire same set of moves to the same song, but with a different partner gives you a whole new experience every time. If you only dance with the good dancers, or if you only dance with the same person over and over again, you are the one losing out. Only immaturity would think that beginners are not good dancers. There is a dancer in everyone.”


Rule Number Seven – Practice

I had a friend, a teacher, a confidante. It took him four years to perfect a so call “perfect” body roll.

I have a teacher and I was told that he spent four hours a day to do four things. Shoulder isolation, chest isolation, hip isolation and how to stand on his hands.

To master a basic step sounds simple. People dances basic differently. A very sound and solid foundation will go a very long way. I realize this recently and every day I am practicing my basic steps. I finally realize it is only correct when the correct sets of muscles are being triggered.

Basic, 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7.

Being able to count is one thing. Doing it is another.

Do you dance your basics in a straight line? Get out of this line and make a set of basics your own.


Rule Number Eight – Fun Factor

Most importantly, we as a social dancer need to have fun. If it is always so serious, you might as well go and learn how to play chess. If everything locked in your brain is to use all the styling you learned during class, that will be too stressful. If all you can think about is on how people will look at you, that will be too boring.

Loosen up and have fun with me tonight.


Rule Number Nine - ?????
For you to understand and for you to find out.

Never Meant To Be by Johnny

I had been writing this for the last three days
To fully understand what the soothsayer says
I finally realized we are never meant to be
On the day when you sympathetically said it’s not me

I dedicate this poem to the person who made me see
If not for she, I will never know the importance of me

Never meant to be

Am I a rose meant to whither
Was I born a duck to be a swan
Do miracles only happen in fairytale
Does faith only belong to those who believe

Is it a fact that it was never meant to be
Or was it a fiction that only I believed
People change in a blink of an eye
Seasons change without saying goodbye

I know she stung me like a bee
I can only blame my own stupidity
I know she left me hurt and lost
But I promised myself forever I will stay strong

I do I know I still believe
That someday, someone will come and rescue me
Till that day comes I will no longer be on my knees
Because I know between us it’s never meant to be

Author
Johnny Kwek

Just Lie to Me by Jeremy

Just lie to Me

Come close again to me just one more time
lay with me and feel the warmth of the sunshine
Tell me that you love me and there is only me
tell me that you really believe in destiny
Say the words I want to hear with sincerity
Just for a few hours, please just lie to me

Pull me down upon you yet again as you close your eyes
let it be me that you only think of during your passionate cries
tell me I’m the only lover you think of when you’re alone
and it’s my voice that you always miss when we hang up the phone
Tell me you love me and that we were always meant to be
with the lips that I always yearn for, just please lie to me

Please lie to me for just the closeness of the moment
Please lie to me for the comfort of this lonely heart
So just what is truth and what is fiction
what’s wrong with just wanting a moment to be perfect
Why feel guilty at that instant when it feels so good
when there could be some half truth to everything said

Belief is what we choose to put our faith in
and at one time I believed that you could feel as I now do
Words once spoken that I thought could be true I still hear
and it’s those very things that were said I still hold dear
Maybe they don’t hold a lot of meaning to you as they do me
but it’s just for a brief moment in time, so please ……

Lie to me

Author
Jeremy

My Cyborg Name

Get Your Cyborg Name


Get Your Sexy Name

Got this link from Miss Beh and my boyfriend's blog.

So damn cool!!!

Tribute To Joeng - Chapter Two

** Dedicated to Jonie

想说给你听 To say to you

有好多话藏在心里想说给你听 Words to empty fills thy heart
选择琐在你心房外 Locked out from thou like a standing guard
不想再拉扯 I could no longer ever pull you close
幸福已远离 As I know you have just left like the petals from a rose

在无数梦里总会惊醒 In my numerous dreams I was alarmed
很想伸手握住你 As thou hands always seems so near yet so far
你却已离我远去 Reality struck that you are gone
除了眼泪 With my tears, I watch you go
我安静地 看你离去 I turn around and decided its time to let go

想说给你听 I wanted to say to you
很怕失去你 I cannot picture myself losing you
趁我醒来前 So before I wake up from this dream I had
我只能用时间来惦记 All I can do is to use this time to rememberate
“我爱你” 这句话变成了秘密 The secret to saying "I Love You"

Tribute to Joeng - Chapter One

Ever since you walk away, I cannot stop thinking about it and I decided to take up my pen and put it down into words.

Do I want a simple woman or a woman who pretends to be simple?

I will probably be irrational when it comes down to this theory but I will draw the list first in order to obtain a clearer understanding.

A woman is the most complicated creature in history.

A simple woman list is never easy to catalog.

How do we define simple?

• Dresses in one-colored clothing all the time
• Has a general preference of black and white
• Straight hair
• Listens to Capital 95.8
• Daily Curfew of 10pm
• Sleeps at twelve midnight
• Bathes twice a day
• A definite must to have milk for breakfast
• Calls boyfriend by the name and the name only
• Only had one boyfriend in her last 26 years

Is this simple?

What if all the above was a sham?

The reason of it all was to……

• Dress in black to kill
• Has a general preference of not wearing anything underneath the black and white
• The darned rebounded hair was priced at $450 bucks by David Gan
• Tiu Tiu Tiu to 91.3 during the witchy hour
• Daily Curfew of 10pm for Boyfriend A and the party starts at home with Boyfriend B-Z
• Sleeps at twelve in order to look revitalize everyday for everyone else
• Bathes twice a day, at least once not alone
• (What can I say? Milk is good)
• This is the perfect crime. Calling names makes her less slutty as compared to calling Honey, Baby, SugarCane, CareBear, HollandV
• Only one boyfriend? Only she would know
  

The précis of it all is that.

Men don’t care. As long as you look simple to me, go ahead with anything else. You can be whatever you want, as long as I don’t know. Even if you need to save the world at night, do so. As long as you make me my mango desert for my breakfast, I will always be yours.

人生是可以更美好的！

人生能过的平平旦旦是一种容性。
人生能过的自由自在是一种可望。
人生能爱的轰轰烈烈是一种性副。

为和我不能？

为和我的人生需要比别人更怒力？
为和我的人生需要比别人更新苦？
为和我的爱情路比别人的更痛苦？

为舍么？为舍么？

天啊！ 我要自油！我要性副！我要！

街边小猫都有人疼，为和没人可连我呢？
这么说我也是个人啊！

我妈她不疼我，
我爸他时常打我。
我同事狠我，
我老班准备裁我。
我朋友讨厌我，
出门中是不叫我。
小朋有妻副我，
我爱的女人不打给我。

我还是死了算了。

人生不如易见多不怪
要改变起能在一日之间。

我决定了。

我会疼我妈，打我爸。
我会换班同事， 裁我老班。

我不会打给我的朋友， 我会留在家里。
我会开是妻副小朋有， 我会打我爱的女人。

人生开是变得有眼色了！

** I rate this the most ridiculous thing I have ever written. Nothing beats this. Two thumbs up!

Prelude by Masha Ala Mak Bar Shiokura

** Please pardon the language as I wrote this with my boss standing next to me. How can I work properly when my boss keep chit chatting with me?

Before we learn to pick up a girl, we have to determine what kind of girl you are more attracted to. It is quite complexed actually and very often the categories intersects. So what we need to elaborate deeply is on which kind of ladies will pull the greater form of magnetism on you.
Let’s start categorising.

Drop dead Gorgeous:You see all eyes following her as she waddles across the room. Her figure in the shape of an hour glass, or maybe even better. You can smell her five metres away and she swooned your breath away. She has the body even the devil yearns for and a face prettier than an angel.

Rational: You know that competition is going to be stiff. You have to give it a really good fight to win this lady over. She is so pretty that all men are willing to die for her. You don’t even know whether she would even bother to look at you. She is way up there and you know you are way down there. Maybe her boyfriend drives a SLK? Maybe she has a sugar daddy now? Maybe everything about her is not real. Maybe she is just a perfect transvetite with a very successful operation. Maybe…… and the list goes on. Most of the time, when the women are too beautiful, it scares the men away.


Classy:She walks in style and she behaves very well in circumstances. She observes her personal gestures and every single movements are well kept in her mind. She portrays a form of appeal that attracts men to want them. Intelligence rather than bimbotic behaviours comes with class. Their hair is neat and they can make intellgent conversation.

Rational: This women are classy which means they require very high maintenance. Their classiness was not learn over night. Probably they have been to more posh functions that you have been to Yoshinoya. They know when to engage in what kind of conversation to attract you. Which means they know when to push you off the cliff to see you rot and die. These women are dangerous and deadly. If danger is your middlename, you would love this.


Witty:A social animal by nature, smile very often and easily make friends in a second. Usually possess a very warm smile and was born with a talent of speaking more than the rest. She is partially involved with up to date world topics but equipped with tons of gossips and latest celebrity news. Such woman has an innate ability to understand the corniest, coldest and stupidest jokes within a flash. Able to recreate stories and humour almost instantly.

Rational: Such women are the best to be around. They usually keep you occupied by sprouting tons of nonsense that could bring a smile to your face. They make good friends and usually able to talk about almost everything under the sun. They can talk about sex without demonstrating, they could bitch about the man that you know did not even exist. They could blabber about how their period is making them fat. But all of us will need to know a very significant point, God is fair and usually a compromise must be balanced between wittiness and prettiness.


Bitchy:Such women bitches about everything. Bitchy women does not mean that they display any form of symbolic similarities to woof woof, but rather bitchy women tend to complain about everything that they can or cannot find fault with. They complain about the people, their hair, their tables and even the temperature in the room.

Rational: Definitely not in the ‘A’ category of people to get along with. Makes us stand on our toes most of the time. We can never let our guard down just in case we step over their tails and we start becoming the target board of their shooting practce. They feel that everything seems to go against them right from the start they got out of their bed in the morning. It takes a lot of patience and very sensitive men to be around such women who owns such unique characteristics.


Bimbotic“Are my breast too big?” “That is such a lovely LV bag, what brand is it?” These are the typical questions you get from a Bimbo. They are very entertaining creatures which a pinch of imbecile character hovering above them all the time. They are pretty but very simple.

Rational: You cannot blame them as they think with their boobs. Those are their radar detector to sense when the rain is coming. They do not think too much and they shoot almost instantly the first thought that comes into mind. They always thought they have sixth sense. Getting the cutest guy on the dancefloor is always the most important thing that is in their mind. They are a super blower.


Sweet and Sensitive: These are the girl next door calibre. They look sweet and demure, usually very quiet. They lead a simple life and they stay with their parents ever since they were born. They only have like one boyfriend in their life ever, and they broke up with the boyfriends after a four year relationship.

Rational: Grab such a woman and make them your wife if all you need is a simple life.


Lian-ish“T-E-C-N-O techno techno. TIU TIU TIU TIU TIU TIU. Simi Dai Ji??” Do you have friends that sound like that? “Yoz manz!!! You Ho Bo?” they will yell. These are super ultra friendly creature who digs many many into becoming the lians of the lians.

Rational: OMG!!

Show me a woman that

1. Is classy yet appealing
2. Has a face of an angel
3. Open minded and aggressive
4. Humorous
5. Caring and sensitive
6. Supportive
7. English speaking
8. Ambitious

Anytime. Anytime.

Who loves a DARING MAN?

I can tell you that I am a daring man. Please do not close your browser. Please read on to know the story.

Basically I have just moved my office to a small part of Chinatown. I wanted to get a hair cut as I have a presentation tomorrow so I decided to find the one nearest to my office.

Coincidentally, there is a famous saloon which is like ten meters away from my office. But the catch is that it is a training academy for the infamous brand. I looked at the price and to my astonishment, to have a hair cut; it only costs five freaking dollars.

Due to my overwhelming work schedule, I needed a hair cut the fastest way in the shortest amount of time and I still need to look good. But now since time is not on my side, I guess what the heck, I will give it a try.

So I went in and I got out feeling miserable and I cannot stop myself from cursing.

This is what went wrong.

• NO ONE, I say NO ONE washes the hair for one hour. You scratch and scratch my hair with that menthol taste on my head; I cannot feel my head no more after thirty minutes.
• NEVER, I say NEVER comb MY hair with your comb and starts thinking of what to do. Meanwhile using the same comb to comb YOUR own hair. NEVER. Not forgivable.
• YOU DO NOT CUT YOUR OWN FINGERS WHEN YOU CUT MY HAIR.
  

Masha Ala Mak Bar Shiokura!!! This means Ka-Ni-Na.

Have you ever felt cold?

How many often have you felt cold in your life? Have you ever felt so cold before that we heck the entire world and you realised that you don’t care anymore? Have you felt so cold before that you feel restless and you live your life like a zombie? You try to be happy and do your utmost best to please no one else but yourself. You try to conceal your feelings in a box and slowly the box expands and expands and expand. BOOM it explodes.

You feel so cold that your body is shivering. Your legs are shaking and your balls and shrinking. The piercing pain tickles every piece of tissue in your body. Your bones are in such ordeal that you have the thought of crushing them. You are so cold that you could not even straighten your fingers. You could not feel your nose, you could not feel your ears.

So what would you do?


I would.

Slowly lift up your hands, place your hands underneath your armpit. Do you feel warm now?

Have you found your armpit?

I have.

How far is your Limit?

Actually life is very simple. It is just the surroundings and the human nature that makes it so complicated.

Why do we give up on a lot of things? Sometimes we give up without trying. Sometimes we give up without even fighting. Some obstacles that come before us frighten us. We get startled and we forgot on why we even started doing on what we wanted to do. We get pulled back and we decided that we cannot do it and we just decide to give it up.

We are stretchable. We can be pushed to our limits and our limits are boundless. We will never know what we are born to achieve and we can never know how far we can reach. We will never know unless we try.

There are so many chances and opportunities out there that are just waiting for us to reap and sow. If we just confine ourselves to our own space and in our own box, we will never make it out there. We will need to prove to ourselves and eventually prove to others that we are not pushovers. We will one-day stand so high up that they will look like a little dot to us and they will be dependent on our shadows to give them shelter.

Let’s do a little interaction.

You straighten both your hands and reach towards the monitor in front of you. You stretch to your limit with both hands until you cannot stretch any further. Now make sure your fingertips touch the monitor. Move back by a centimetre so that now your fingers are a centimetre away from the monitor. Put down your left hand. And now you stretch again with your right hand. Can you touch the monitor now?

Life is more or less about the same theory. Open your mind and believe.

Yippee Aye Aye

Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye
Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye
Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye

Oh my Baby
Can I make you mine
Oh my Baby
Damn, you look so fine
Oh my Baby
You’re the sweetest Baby
You’re the cutest Baby
I will make you mine

Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye
Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye
Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye

Oh my Baby
Try to close your eyes
Oh my Baby
Peeping is not nice
Oh my Baby
You’re so sexy Baby
You’re so pretty Baby
I will make you high

Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye
Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye
Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye

Oh my Baby
Your tits are so defined
Oh my Baby
Can I take my time
Oh my Baby
Let me feel your body
Rub it all with honey
I will take my time

Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye
Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye
Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye

Oh my Baby
I think its about time
Oh my Baby
Let me ease my mind
Oh my Baby
You drive me so crazy
I think I am cumming shortly
Sorry I came twice

Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye
Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye
Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye

Oh my Baby
You fill my heart with light
Oh my Baby
You’re the phantom of my night
You came slowly
Steal my heart so quickly
Make me think so deeply
I want again tonight

(A black man with an Afro Hairstyle in a Mambo outfit walks in and starts singing)

When I was just a little boy
I asked my girlfriend
Tonight can I be
Will I still be a virgin
Will I lose my chastity
This is what she said to me

Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye
Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye
Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye

Yes my Baby
I’ll be yours tonight
Yes my Baby
You treat me so damn nice
Yes my Baby
You are just so naughty
You are just so witty
I’ll scream your name tonight

(Chorus)
Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye (Yippee Aye)
Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye (Yippee Aye)
Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye Aye
Yippee Yippee Aye (Yippee Aye)

Oh my Baby,
Its time to make it right
Oh my Baby
I will never make you cry
Oh my Baby
Will you be my Baby
My one and only Baby
Will you be my wife

Repeat Chorus 12 times

Author
Johnny Kwek

Work your Brain

If God gave fishes wings to fly, do you think fishes would still swim in the sea?

Masha Ala Mak Bar Shiokura - Final Chapter

** Please start reading from Chapter One if this is your first time reading this. Click here to begin your expedition with Masha Ala Mak Bar Shiokura.

** This article is best read if you know how to speak with a French accent

Morning class, this will be the last Chapter of Masha Ala Mak Bar Shiokura.

I take each step with such weariness. My body is heavy and so is my brain. I only yearn for happiness but this pursuit seems forever. I spent a lifetime looking for someone special. And yet in front of me stood someone so unique and so different from the rest, I actually let her go. If there is a medicine that could cure me, I would spent my entire fortune on the pills just to make sure I was happy just like the way I was happy. I do not want myself to be happier. I only wanted to make sure that she stays happy. I only have eighty years to live my life; I do not want to spend the rest of my life regretting.

When I was young, my folks used to tell me a tale.

Ali Baba had a brother and his name was Ali Babu Seng. Babu Seng found a lamb and the lamb was actually a deity in disguise.

"For your sacrifice of not having mutton soup tonight, I will grant you three wishes", said the deity to Babu Seng.

"I want to have a very big plot of land so that I can make a lot of money" Babu Seng said.

"You wish is granted." The deity replied.

So Babu Seng owns a big plot of land and him and his wife slog hard. They grew everything that’s possible and soon they make a small sum of money. They spent everyday working together and the wife was enjoying the fruits of their labour.

Seeing the wife work so hard without complaining, it hurts Babu Seng that he cannot provide a better life for his wife. Seeing his wife’s hands getting rougher each day, it hurts him too much.

He decided to go back to the Deity.

"I want to be a rich business man with a big house so that my wife would not have to slog anymore." Babu Seng said.

"You wish is granted." The deity replied.

So Babu Seng became a rich businessman and his business gets bigger and bigger and his house became bigger and bigger.

Babu Seng was getting richer and richer but he ends up so much busier than before due to his business and slowly he neglects the wife. The poor wife living alone in the house gets lonelier and lonelier.

On her deathbed, the wife finally gets to see Babu Seng for the last time. She told him.

"Dear husband, I am happy that you have become so capable and so successful. I am sorry that I have to leave you now but I always hope that you will be happy. I have never regretted marrying you and you have once given me the happiest time of my life when you rubbed my hand every night after each day in the fields. I thank you." And saying these words, she left.

Babu Seng was heart broken and he realised he was the one who caused his wife to die in loneliness. He rushed back to find the Deity. "I need my final wish!"

"So what is it this time. You are now rich and powerful. You own the biggest plot of land any man could ever crave for. You are already the richest man in history", said the Deity.

"I want my wife back and I want her to be happy", said Babu Seng.

The Deity said, "Sorry one wish at a time. So do you want your wife back or do you want her to be happy."

Babu Seng thought hard and he did not know what to say. What would you do?




When my mum told me this when I was eight years old, I said I would ask the Deity for 3 more wishes.

When my mum told me this when I was eighteen years old, I said I would have asked the Deity to make me rich and powerful in my first wish.

When my mum told me this when I was twenty-eight years old, I said I would have asked to go back to my life when my wife spent the happiest moment of her life.


** Disclaimer: None of the above has been certified nor tested by any practitioner. Choose to practice at your own risk.

** This is the final chapter. We have gone through the beginning, the middle and the end. Now its time for you to start a chapter of your own and live your life the way you want it to be.

Masha Ala Mak Bar Shiokura - Chapter Four

** Please start reading from Chapter One if this is your first time reading this. Click here to begin your expedition with Masha Ala Mak Bar Shiokura.

** This article is best read if you know how to speak with a French accent

Morning class, welcome back to another Chapter of Masha Ala Mak Bar Shiokura.

We are done with the woman’s side of the story and let’s continue with what a man needs and wants.

Every man yearns for a perfect relationship where the partner is docile, understanding and provides good sex. But too bad they are not living in Never Ever Land.

They slog like a dog to make ends meet. They degrade their ego to please their colleagues and bosses. They squeeze their brain juices to the max so that they can make their spouses feel loved each and every day that they live. And when they reach home, they quarrel with the person that sleeps right beside them.

No one would ever want that kind of sad ending. Man wants to go back home and give his wife a hug and tell him he loves her everyday while he shares his happiness and sadness. Man wants a wife, a partner who is willing to share his happiness and sadness. Man does not want someone who is only willing to share his happiness. Man does not want someone who creates his sadness.

In a relationship, there is bound to be ups and downs. A man is not stupid. A man is just simple. A man is just a simple man who works, sleeps, shits and makes love. This is the life of an ordinary man. What differentiates him from the rest? The crunch of it all is the people around him.

Men are just robots without feelings. So what constitutes his emotions. It is the people around him. We are the people that make him laugh, make him sad and make him smile. Men tend to be themselves when they dig around their own species. They laugh loud and hard, they dig their noses in public, and they fart in public. They are able to be themselves when they are hanging out with their own kind. There is no restraint, no constraint, no pretence, and there is just themselves being themselves.

There are secrets among men that no women should ever know or should even be involved in a discussion. Men talk about their penis, they talk about their performance in bed and they talk about sex. They discuss on sex positions and they laugh at the weirdest woman in the room.

Men’s attention span is pretty short. You could blabber on about the most exciting show that you ever watch but men will be easily swoon away by the loosely dressed girl that waddles across the room. Men is pretty dump or stupid whichever way you put it as men are only interested to make things work for them rather than to make more problems for themselves.

"What’s done cannot be undone. So why not we look forward into solving the case rather than to dig into why did the case happen?" Does this ring a bell? Have you heard this somewhere before?

Men hate to argue and they hate to quarrel. In order for that not to happen, they usually run away or to give in. Things are usually that simple. But when they run away too often, they get bored of running and they decide not to run anymore. They give in too much till the level where their friends despise them and they begin to despise themselves.

Basically men are not complicated creatures. All they think about is women, generally. I am sure there are others who think about how to make bombs, crash the twin towers, or even think about how to make the Great Wall disappear. But the rest, they think about women all the time. Probably you did not know but the porn industry is a multi-million industry.

Men always claim that they themselves have the best taste in women. They think they know everything about women. Their ego comes in and they think they can get every woman. Their confidences rise and they begin to sleep with all the women.

Everyday in their brain they plot the most mystical way to get their girlfriend into bed. Everyday they ensure themselves that they are the best lovers in bed. Everyday, they wished they could get that girl into bed.

Simple? It is that simple.

Discovery Channel should have an episode on men.

** Disclaimer: None of the above has been certified nor tested by any practitioner. Choose to practice at your own risk.

Stay tune for the Final Chapter

Masha Ala Mak Bar Shiokura - Chapter Three

** Please start reading from Chapter One if this is your first time reading this. Click here to begin your expedition with Masha Ala Mak Bar Shiokura.

** This article is best read if you know how to speak with a French accent

Morning class, its yet another new Chapter of Masha Ala Mak Bar Shiokura.

Today let’s explore on the needs and wants of a man versus the needs and wants of a woman.

Let’s start today’s class with what does a woman need and what does she wants?

This is a inevitable question that accounts in every relationship. If a man knows exactly what his partner wants and is able to do so, many occasions, a simple relationship will never turn sour. If a man knows exactly what her partner needs, so many things could be sacrificed and re-prioritised to evade a quarrel or a fight from happening.

The deadly question, what does a woman need? Does she needs lots and lots of tender loving care, attention, love and time? Does she need a man to have his shoulder to cry on? Does she need a man to stroke her to sleep every night? Or does she need a man?

So now what does a woman wants? Does a woman wants a man who listens to every single thing he says? Does a woman wants a man to be with her 24 7? Does a woman wants a man?
It bothers me when a friend of mine said that he is not comparable to a dog. I cannot dig that from a friend. If what a woman needs is some guy that wags his tail when she is happy and keeps quiet when she is angry, this does not constitute to a relationship.

If what a woman wants is someone who is always there for her to make her happy and always there for her to lash when she is angry, this does not constitute to a relationship. Why is it always a one directional train that we board? Why can’t this ticket be a two-way ticket?

Relax and take a deep breath. I am sorry. I have side tracked.

What distinguishes between the difference of a man and a woman on their needs and wants?

A woman needs unconditional care, time and concern. Probably a little money along the line would make the relationship happier since we are living in a true world.

A man needs support, respect, trust and freedom.

Yes man tends to be more egocentric in a relationship no doubt and that’s why the word MCP arises. Why didn’t a term WCP sprout up above the rest? I am not saying that we should endure such sexist remarks and equality should never hold among the sexes. I am just asking everyone out there to learn to understand what your other half needs.

We are all matured adults here. To start a relationship is always easy. To maintain one is the difficult part. Why don’t we try to sit down and make sure that the other party understands what you need and you yourself understand what he/she needs?

Sometimes when we focus too much on ourselves, we tend to lose track on how others are feeling. You might not need to bother about how others around you are feeling but at least you still need to bother about how the man sleeping next to you is feeling? Is he troubled? Is he sad? Is he happy? Is he okay?

I am sure you do not want to live a life with your partner doing everything you lay out for him/her. What if one day he asked you "Can I have permission to pee?"

** Disclaimer: None of the above has been certified nor tested by any practitioner. Choose to practice at your own risk.

Stay tune for Chapter Four

Masha Ala Mak Bar Shiokura - Chapter Two

** Please start reading from Chapter One if this is your first time reading this. Click here to begin your expedition with Masha Ala Mak Bar Shiokura.

** This article is best read if you know how to speak with a French accent

Morning class, its me Masha Ala Mak Bar Shiokura again.

To continue from where I left off, today I will teach the girls how to pick up a guy.

It is not that difficult for a girl to pick up a guy as compared to a guy picking up a girl. Men are stupid and they cannot think when it comes to circumstances like these. What is the average ratio that a girl gets picked up more often than a guy?

So why not try it out by attempting the following steps.

STEP 1
Lock your target. So you see that dashing prince of your dreams walking towards you. You know you need to make a move. Drop your hanky if you have one, if not drop your tissue. If it does not dig into him. Deliberately bump into him and apologise with the sweetest voice you could ever produce. Look at him with your watery eyes and remember to put lots of lip gauze on your lips. The shine would blind him.

STEP 2
Striking a conversation. Wait for a few seconds for him to recover the shock and now let’ talk. If he starts commenting on your beautiful dress or your beautiful shoes, accept the compliment and comment on his great taste.

If he said that you look like his tattoo artist, make sure he understands that you are able to give him a free tattoo and he will be painless.

If he says that he is an author of a what-so-ever book, make sure you laugh like a demure lady and keep questioning till he breaks.

STEP 3
The move. The most elegant move of all time without making yourself cheap. Put your hands on his shoulders and slowly, slowly, slowly move your way down to his elbows, making sure that the contact is never broken. Now slide slowly with two fingers down his elbow to his wrist. Slowly manoeuvre your fingers into his palm and make sure that your fingers end up tugging his little pinkie. Make sure you feel the tension and make sure that he feels the tension.

Look up. Smile. Checkmate!

** Disclaimer: None of the above has been certified nor tested by any practitioner. Choose to practice at your own risk.

Stay tune for Chapter Three

Masha Ala Mak Bar Shiokura - Chapter One

** This article is best read if you know how to speak with a French accent

Morning class, I am your new form teacher and my name is Masha Ala Mak Bar Shiokura. I am 18 years old every day and I am single and very available. My dad came from a very rich country located in the central part of Middle East and he humped my mum while travelling in Japan. My dad’s surname is Ala Mak and my mum, Shiokura. Masha is my first name and you guys may call me Mr. Masha.

Today class, I will be teaching you the proper way to pick up a girl or to pick up a guy.

Lets first talk about what should the guys do to pick up a girl. Actually it is not that difficult. It just takes a few tactics, patience and how well you portray yourself. You do not need to be as handsome as Tom Cruise or as cute as Almost Virgin. You just need to be yourself and believe in yourself and follow the steps below.

STEP 1

Locked a target. Do not be greedy. The theory of locking multiple targets and finally one will pull through does not hold. Usually preying on too many will result in losing everything. Women are pretty gossipy.

It simple actually, Treat it like holding a S5 sniper rifle. You lock one target and you zoom into that target. You know the next action. FIRE!

STEP 2

Make sure you get her attention. There are a million ways to get a lady’s attention. You can actually pretend to trip while walking past her and you look up with a million dollar smile. The more radiant you look the better your chances are. You could pretend to laugh out loud while she walks past you to get her to look at you. Smile. DO NOT do the following to get her attention.

1. Deliberately spill your drink into her cleavage.
2. Bark like a dog
3. Cut her path and make her fall
4. Start making provocative noises at her
5. Slap her ass

The wise man used to say, “Getting her attention is not difficult. Making sure her attention stays with you takes skill.”

First you look at her. Make sure that she sees you looking at her. All women yearn for attention. When you see her eyes locking with yours, you just completed the first part. Slowly move your eyes down her body to her feet and then you look away. All this to be done slowly. The slower you do this, the better the results would be. Make sure she sees all this. You just completed the second part. Move your attention away from her for at least 3 minutes. Talk to your friend; talk to the girl next to you. Just talk to someone.

After this long 3 minutes, divert your attention back to her. Look at her and if you see her looking back, I guarantee you she must have at least looked at you once in the last 3 minutes to see if you were still checking her out. This time look at her and do not shift your attention away, smile back. If she smiles back at you, lets move on to STEP 3. If not, go home. Do not try to go back to STEP 1. You will look stupid.

STEP 3
Striking a conversation. It’s never easy for someone who has never done this before to be good at this part. The previous steps were easy. It is so easy to the extent that even my nephew can do it. But this part, it might take a bit of skill and technique.

1. Never stutter. You look timid and this lack of confidence reflects almost instantly once you stutter.
2. Think before you speak. I understand that all you men could only be thinking of one thing at that particular moment. But you need to be cool on this. All women need a nice massage before everything. Do not utter the most miraculous thing like “You are making me pop in my pants.” Leave these sentences later.
3. Remember the name and remember it well. Imagine how bad it will reflect if you asked her for her name and you forgot it the next instance. Or imagine you yelling the wrong name at the later part of the day.
4. Do not be too aggressive. “How old are you?” “Are you alone?” “Where are you going later?” Does it matter? These questions are pointless and it does not really matter to the both of you. What you need to do is to start a conversation that would make sure that she would be interested. If she finds you interesting, she might want to get to know you better. She might be the one who strikes the conversation instead. You work is complete.

Now lets start talking. “I think God must have answered my prayers, he has sent me an angel.” C’mon, get a life. This probably make sense it you say it to a 16-year-old girl. What I am talking about are the pretty ladies, matured and classy. You think you can pull this trick off the hat? What is wrong with you?

You need to understand your women and dig into a conversation that would get her all interested and excited.

All men are vain, which includes women. They buy clothes to put on their body so that they would look beautiful. Probably we could start exploring there. “That’s a lovely pair of shoes you have there, where did you get it from?” “You look amazing. Your dress is so beautiful, I must say you really have exquisite taste.” You see a conversation starting. If not,

“I think you must be a tattoo artist.” Sentences like this would blow the girl away.
“Why would you think so?” she would definitely enquire.
“I think you have the look of a tattoo artist.”
Continue the conversation in a way your imagination could bring you.

“Let me self introduce. I am an author. “
“Oh really? So what books did you write?”
“I wrote the book ‘The Folks of the Far Away Tree’.”
If she’s a bimbo, she would smile and look away. I think its time for you to smile and look away too.
If she’s not a bimbo, I bet you she would smile and laugh at you.
Continue by saying “They call me Mr. Blyton and I am dead now.”

STEP 4
Making advances. By now a strong conversation should be in place now. She feels comfortable with you and you have made her feel so heavenly and she is mesmerised by your sense of humour. She has lowered her defence on you and she is now comfortable and dying to know you better.

Begin slowly to lure her into the trap. Never force the woman to drink. There is no more fun in the game if the girl is drunk. You must make sure that the woman stays sober but she pretends that she is drunk. You start to speak softer than usual and she can’t hear a word. You start to move closer so that she can hear clearer. You start to edge an inch closer to her with the beginning of a new sentence. Make sure that you start whispering in her ears to the extent so close that she can hear you breathing. Make sure that pair of earrings is just beneath your nose.

“You have nice earrings.” You start to advance your fingers to her ears to have a closer look at her earrings. You pull her hair back so that you can have a closer look. You let her hair softly down the back of her ear and you retract your fingers while accidentally flicking her ear lobes gently.

You start to say “What if?” and you breathe gently into her ears. Make sure she feels you smelling her perfume she dabbed behind her ears.

“What if what?” she queried.

“What if… it is my birthday today? Would I be a happy boy?”

My guess is that she would probably turn her head around and now your faces so close to each other. Look at her. Look back at her. Look down her nose and to her lips. Look back in her eyes. If she did not push you away by now or slap you hard in your face, my take is that your work is complete with the last move.

Checkmate.

** Disclaimer: None of the above has been certified nor tested by any practitioner. Choose to practice at your own risk.

Stay tune for Chapter Two

Friday

If given no choice that I have to decide, I will always prefer to put on my dancing shoes on a Friday night as compared to any other day.

I love to go the Salsa Club on Friday.

T.G.I.F!

I love to go on Fridays not because it is freaking crowded and definitely not because it’s a ladies night on Fridays where the population of ladies are going to be like five is to one.

Apparently, Fridays are always extremely crowded and there would be no place to dance. Furthermore the proportion of ladies to guys are definitely way off my imagination. Some days, the population might go as crazy as one lady is to two guys.

But I still love Fridays. Why?

Fridays are the time where most of my crazy friends are around. Most of us are not really hardcore dancers, including myself. We yearn for a place to listen, to talk and to live a night of fun.

Let me speak for myself. Basically, you cannot dance much on Fridays, as it is really damn crowded. You see the Karate Kicks and Buddha Palms flying all over. You see your friend getting stepped on their feet and poked in the nose. You see them walking off the dance floor limping after a dance. It is so drama sometimes that I can always imagine an ambulance waiting right outside the main entrance.

“Man Down, Man Down. The nurse would yell.” Two nurses would rush in with a stretcher and help me up the stretcher.

“Please help me. I am dying. I do not want to die.” I would mumble.

As they held my hand, they would say “You will be just fine boy, you are in good hands. We will get you up and dancing in no time.”

I am out on a Friday to enjoy the music and dance to a few nice songs. I am not there for war to dodge the bullets and neither am I there to improve my reaction time.

Most importantly, why I love Fridays, is because of the people who goes on Friday.

I meet the wildest, craziest, funniest people on Fridays.

Since it is ladies night and they get all the free drink, most of the time, many really succumb to the temptation of alcohol and drink the night away.

When they go crazy, I know its time for me to get my beer and pop my popcorn. I will always try to get the best seat in the house and enjoy the show.

The most complicated instrument in the world is a human brain. Some people like to laugh, some people like to cry. Some like to smack my back side and some like to grab my chest. Yes I am talking about you who go crazy and touch my chest. If it makes you happy, as a friend I am willing to do so.

Even the tamest dog bites. Some people say pigs can fly. Even Archille’s has his weak spot. Why not you?

There are certain circumstances which forces you into a corner that will make you break. Regardless how strong you may have become, at the right time and at the right place, you may break. Fridays are always breaking hours.

It’s funny on stories that I may have heard or stories that people have said. In the next few paragraphs are some stories I have heard, some scenes that I have saw. Some of them are just a fiction of my imagination and some are not even true.



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[Laura] “I kissed a girl.”
[Virgin] “Really? How was it?”
[Laura] “Kissing men is definitely better. Girls have lips too soft for me.”
[Virgin] “I don’t want to lose out to you, maybe I should go and kiss a guy and understand how it feels.”

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[Laura] “I hate my boyfriend.”
[Virgin] “Why would you say that?”
[Laura] “He is too ugly for me.”
[Virgin] “Then why did it begin in the first place.”
[Laura] “He was very nice to me then and it was a time when I need a men.”
[Virgin] “So you think you do not need a men now?”
[Laura] “I think I need you now”
[Virgin] “Bitch”

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[Virgin] “Do you think that man look like Jackie Chan?”
[Laura] “Where, where, let me see? Nah, I think he look like Jackie Chan’s sister?”

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[Laura] “I need a man.”
[Virgin] “Look around, there are tons of man around here.”
[Laura] “I like man who are bald.”
[Virgin] “Here you go, we have our local Sunny Boy here.”
[Laura] “I like man who are bald and fat.”
[Virgin] “I will make sure he drinks more but let’s welcome Sunny Boy.”
[Laura] “I like man who are bald, fat and black.”
[Virgin] “I will make sure Sunny Boy tans more often but whether he is black there, I am not sure.”
[Laura] “I like man who are bald, fat, black and tall.”
[Virgin] “I think you are looking for the legendary Chocolate Marshmallow Man.”

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Therefore what can be better than to wash off all the stress of work away on a Friday night and mess around with your friends.

How Heavy Is Your Ego?

Every man and woman has his or her own pride and dignity. We live each day to make sure we live life to the fullest and making tons of money without betraying out pride and dignity. When we realise that we hate ourselves and we cannot find ourselves and we have begin to start living a life for others, living a life that others want us to live, you know you have started to lose yourself.

We were born to stand tall, face the sun and breathe the air every single day. We try to live a carefree life with no worries, no burden and no obligation. We try to live our lives the way we want it to be. Things were never going to be easy. We live a life with rules and considerations that this society moulds for us. Each step that we take is heavy as the butterfly effect rules us to our max. Different people have a different level of endurance. Some of us can take a simple joke like a fart, others might take a simple joke like a knife stab. It is the level of pride and dignity that differentiates this difference. As long as a party knows the thin red line of the other party’s joke and ridicule, the world will be a much better place to live in.

But this is what the New World would be. We are currently living in a cold fake world out here. We live in a world filled with lies and deception. We live in a world where no one can be trusted. We live in a world where everyone is plastic. We live in a world where we cannot even trust the person you sleep next to every night. We live in hell.

Our words anger people unknowingly. Our actions provoked people unintentionally. Why do we care? Since we did not know and it wasn’t intentional, why should we care? We did not know that a simple phrase could cause so much hurt and pain. We did not know that a simple action could arouse such significant envy and jealousy.

But the bottom line is, should we care? Or we shouldn’t?

Life is all about compromises and sacrifices. Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Sometimes we give and sometimes we receive. Who doesn’t want to win all the time and receive all the time? Men are selfish by nature and we all yearn for happiness. Does it mean that we will spend a lifetime to yearn for it and eventually we will never get happiness? All men were born beautiful. Do you picture a child so fair and cute in a cradle to be a serial killer thirty years down the road? Can you imagine a boy so young and innocent looking to be a rapist twenty years down the road? Do you imagine this angel like child to be a mother who would kill her own daughter forty years down the road?

What constitutes to all these miserable, sinful, unholy acts of men? What lies behind the story of these people to make them behave as such? Were they born like that or are these characters innate? Why must the society push us to a corner? Why do our friends betray us? How can I make my love ones appreciate me? When will money stop driving us crazy?

Do you believe in God? Do you pray to Deity? Do you think that someone, somewhere will come to save you when you are in trouble? We should believe in ourselves and we save ourselves. Men make mistakes no doubt. But we will have to learn to stand up and face the music. When we fall we brush the pain aside and we learnt from our mistake and we make sure we fall no further. We feel down sometimes but we learn to make these negatives into positives.

First we learn to put our ego in a place warm and sunny. We will have to learn to use our ego as out strength rather than a noun for people to use as a section of their sarcastic remarks. How heavy is your ego that you cannot put it down? How heavy is your ego that you cannot listen to advise? How heavy is your ego that you cannot accept criticism?

You bow your head low when your bosses scold you upside down. You plot for revenge to scratch your bosses’ car. You swear to burn down the barber’s shop just because the barber shaved your eyebrow away. You beam the car in front of you just because he is driving too slowly. You scream at your girlfriend/boyfriend just because you are in a bad mood.

If only we could tame ourselves, lower our ego and spare a though for others. I understand it takes two hands to clap. At least someone should get it started. If we just continue our life just like it is and wait till everyone starts or at least till someone starts so that you can benefit from it all, the world will always be as ugly as it was. If everyone can do so and play a part, starting from now, at this point, at this moment, pick up your phone and drop a message to your love ones, to your best friends. You tell them that you loved them or at least tell them that you thank them for being there for you. They will be happy and you will be happy. Lower down your ego and let all of us make this world a better place to live in.

It’s hard I know. I, myself, am still trying. Shall we try together?

Author
Johnny Kwek

3 Days and 2 Nights

** I am trying to write in a different form from what I normally do. Regardless whether you like it or not, I would be happy to hear from you.

It’s been 3 days and 2 nights
I have not slept in 3 days and 2 nights
I have not eaten in 3 days and 2 nights
I cannot take it any more

It’s killing me
Day by day
Minute by minute
Second by second

I yearn for a cure
I yearn for help
I yearn for hope
I need an antidote

I needed answers
I needed explanation
I needed a cure
I demand solutions

Life is demanding, yes I know
Work is demanding, I never doubted
Woman are demanding, I always knew
Who can give in to me then?

I love it when people give me presents
I enjoyed it when friends give me a hug
I yearn for respect that other’s give
Than what the hell is happening now?

It has been 3 days and 2 nights
The dark gets darker
The cold gets colder
The night seems longer

I can’t think
I can’t write
I can’t sleep
I can’t wank

What am I supposed to do to release this pain
This pain for 3 days and 2 nights
What am I supposed to do to get my life back
My life for these 3 days and 2 nights

I blame a whole lot of things
I blame the time
I blame the place
I blame the bloody world

Who is to blame?
I guess I blame myself
I blame myself for my greed
I blame myself for my in-satisfaction

It’s been 3 days and 2 nights
I haven’t shitted for 3 days and 2 nights
What a painful 3 days and 2 nights
I need to shit for 3 days and 2 nights

Author
Johnny Kwek

Phrase of the day

A man should never stinge on his compliments for a woman.

Neither should a woman stinge on hers.

Author
Johnny Kwek

Bio vs Life Science

I was at home and alone that night. I was watching a very artistic show with a box of tissue next to me. I think the title of the show was "Beauty and her Feast", but I cannot be sure. The tissue was there as I was down with flu. Suddenly a very peculiar thought struck me.

I weight 128 pounds now. If I were in a horny mood and my member became erected, would I weigh 129 pounds?
Yes, it may not even weigh 1 pound, but c’mon, cut me some slack. Give me the benefit of the doubt, since it is my blog.

I am definitely not porn star calibre where they weigh close to 10 pounds with that huge lump of meat, but I guess I am okay. To all my friends who have seen mine, you know, I know, we are okay. I may be slightly more muscular than yours, but I guess you will do just fine.

Don’t you give me that look. We are all grown ups and we talk about stuffs. There are a lot more other things that life evolve around.

Back to the topic.

I weight 128 pounds now. If I just had an "Outback" Rib Eye Steak, would I weigh 132 pounds now?

Maybe? I can’t be sure.

I was never a Bio student, neither was I a Life Science student. I am curious about stuff.

To me, if I weigh 128 pounds now, regardless how big my member can get, it should still weigh the same. Since it is within me to begin with. It only comes out for a suntan when the sun is hot. Therefore I conclude that the human weight should remain the same.

How the hell do you experiment with this? Its not like you can weigh your dick. You semi-squat on the floor and place it on a weighing machine?

I need answers, therefore I asked the most intelligent occupation in the world, a teacher.

I called up a friend and I asked him this question. Would I weigh the same when I am horny and when I am not?

He gave me a scientific explanation.

Human is just a mixture of flesh and blood. For men, our dicky is just a combination of skin and blood. It will remain in our body unless a huge amount of blood flow encapsulates the section and therefore our member gets erected.

So I asked, "So does that mean our weight will remain the same?"

He replied, "Yes, since it is just a blood flow from our internal system."

"So where did all this blood come from in the first place?" I queried.

He answered, "From our brain, the blood will flow from our brain to our ‘Willy’. That’s why man can’t think when they are horny."

I thank God for blessing me with such intelligent friends.

Lift Etiquette

It was half past eleven at night. I picked up my ever so weary body and I picked up my bag. I said good night to my clients as I head to the lift. As I walked, I realized that I have an urge to fart. It must have been the Hokkien Mee I had for dinner.

Talking about “Hokkien Mee”, whenever I listen to the Akon’s Smack That I always enjoy a good laugh. There must be something wrong with my ears.

Hey DJ, spin that wheel.

I feel you creepin', I can see you from my shadow.
Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo.
Maybe go to my place and just kick it, like Taebo.
And possibly bend you over.
Look back and watch me
Smack that, all on the floor,
Smack that, Hokkien Mee some more,
Smack that, 'till you get sore
Smack that, oooh.
Smack that, all on the floor,
Smack that, Hokkien Mee some more,
Smack that, 'till you get sore,
Smack that, oooh.

But anyway, I must have sat on my butt for too long because as soon as I stood up, the uncontrollable urge to fart encapsulates me. With my client standing next to me, I tucked in my belly and tried to stop the fart from escaping.

From my training, I learnt the technique of isolation, therefore putting it into good use, I tried to isolate my ass crack muscles without stressing any of the other face or pelvis muscles, I hold. I squeezed my ass tight to prevent the wind from escaping. I hold.

The lift took an incredible time to come. But when I was just about to give up, I hear a “Ding”. The lift was here and my client waved me good bye. I took a deep breath and I walked into the lift in a position as if I had an apple between my thighs. I looked at my client for the last time and gave out a million dollar smile. The door closed.

“Poooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot”. Dear Lord, I thank you for this wonderful moment. Amen.

I was at Level 6 when I hear my own sound of relief. Better than sex? Yes.

I was at Level 5 when I smell my own mixture of food and beverages. It must have been upsized.

I was at Level 4 when I hear a “Ding”.

Come on, it was half past eleven and I was not the only one working still?

Grab a life, go home.

A young woman, not very pretty, thank God, walked in. The lift door closed.

She smiled, I smiled. She sniffed. I sniffed. She put her fingers to block her nose. I smiled and I said “Its not me. I guess it must be that guy that stopped at Level 5.”

She smiled and I smiled back.

I was at Level 3. Please don’t “Ding”, please make the lift faster.

I was at Level 2. I think this lift is moving slower than me playing Monopoly.

I was at Level 1. “Ding”.


I think I did a good job and it was a job well done. It was time to complete my second wave of fart.

Father's Genes

Two pretty women were having a conversation while a dashing young man was standing just a step away.

Pretty Woman A: Oh Dear, you look so beautiful and you look so much like your mum.
Pretty Woman B: Oh yes, I do look like my mum. I guess I inherited my mother’s looks but I took after my father’s genes.

Dashing, Cute and Humorous Young Man: I am so sorry, but why did you take your father’s jeans? You should take his trousers.

Author
Johnny Kwek