Do you believe in …… Ghosts?

Ask me that question and I would answer that I am simply sitting on the fence. I am at heart a skeptic, I do not attribute strange sightings or odd events to the supernatural - I just consign them to a large area of subjects labeled "the unexplained". There will be a - possibly logical - explanation for all of these things; we just don't have it yet.

Having trained as an Engineer, I like to put things in boxes by way of understanding where they fit and what they do. In truth I shouldn't believe that ghosts are any more than a figment of the human imagination. Only recently, I think I might be wrong.

There are ways and means that we might be influenced by our surroundings and culture that makes us think more, that makes us imagine. Due to the wave of the horror flicks that is invading in the Asia’s culture, we are getting more and more exposure to the world of the supernatural. Are we getting closer to them or all along they have been with us?

Are you afraid of the dark when the night gets closer and the witchy hour bears close? Are you afraid of the sound of the cricket or the disappearing act of your blanket? Are you afraid of your dreams as you face your greatest fear in your nightmare? Are you afraid of the retribution for stealing the seat from the old auntie on the bus just an hour ago?

To a certain extent, I will not brush all believers aside. As a young man living in an Asian lifestyle, we worship gods and goddesses. Deity exists to most man. On the line of good and evil, they must co-exist to balance the human world. What we have done is being watched. So many times I will tend to hallucinate a severed head in the fridge when I opened it at night. So many times even though I know my missing blanket is underneath my bed, I will not look down to get it and I will endure the night with the freezing coldness of the “Sanyo” air-con. Even if I sense that someone is standing right behind me looking at me right now staring at what I am typing, I would not dare to look around. Until I am called into the office by my boss, lecturing me on “minding my own business” during office hours, I know the “thing” overlooking my shoulder just now was actually my boss.

For every action, there must be an equal and opposite reaction. There must be a logical explanation why most unexplained events will only happen at night. Why must the damn light above my office desk only flicker after ten pm at night? Why the hell would the toilet auntie clean the office toilet at ten pm at night? Was it the toilet auntie that I saw, or was it……………

After a long day of work and dance, men tend to get tired, very tired. When one gets tired, they simply let the other half of their innate personalities take over. Thus very often, we tend to imagine things that happened to you which may not be true. We tend to imagine that someone is stalking you. We tend to imagine that you are alone in the building and the doorbell rings. We tend to imagine that your computer was shut off because of some unexplained events.

Why would there be a term called “Deja-vu”? This term is unexplainable unless all of us are psychic. Psychic itself is already not acceptable based on scientific explanation. Why do we sometime remember something that you remember that happened in a dream before? Why do I sometimes dream that I will poke a lady in her eyes during a Salsa dance? If I know that “Deja-vu” might happen, do I need to stop myself from dancing such that no accidents will eventually occur? Why doesn’t my dream of a massive lesbian party do not happen in reality?

I am not sure that whether the following incident happened to you before but all these are fictional. Please do not brood over it at night and start making scary comments on my blog cause I will hunt you down and I will be your worst nightmare.

I was ten and I was sleeping on my bed while my mum is busy sewing next to me. I cannot make sense whether I was dreaming or was I awake but I can feel that someone or something was just sitting on top of my head laughing. Initially I thought it was my brother making stupid sounds, so I wanted to get up. I couldn’t and I struggled. I can vividly remember the laughing sounds the “thing” made. It was creepy and eerie and even till now, it still sends chills down my spine. I woke up abruptly with my mum giving me twenty tight slaps across my face. She assured me that I was just having a dream and there was no one else in the room except for her.

Scientific explanation would rule that this case is based on body exhaustion. Physically, one is fully exhausted but mentally, one could still be full of vigor. As the body is so tired, it cannot interpret instructions from the brain and thus posing a difficulty to execute the body movements. In which it explains the term, being pinned by a ghost.

It was only last Monday, it was late at night and I was asleep. Soundly at 1am in the morning, I was awakened by the shrieks from hell! I opened by eyes and I was scared as the sound was so bloodcurdling. I realized my girlfriend next to me was making creepy noises in her sleep. I jumped from my bed and I went to turn on the lights. I scrambled next to her and I gave her twenty tight slaps across her face. She awoke and she thanked me for waking her up. She said that she had a nightmare and she was conscious then. She fought hard to move her body but to no avail, she was not able to even move an inch. She tried to kick the side of the bed hoping that I will be awakened by her movements, but I was really soundly asleep. The most that she could deliver was that voice.

I did not sleep at all that night. My girlfriend went back to sleep straight away and the usual sound of snoring resumes. In my company, I had my Play Station and DVDs from Atomi Ayusaki which lasted me till 5 am in the morning till I woke my girlfriend up for work. After she left, I was then able to get some rest till 8 am in the morning and I washed up for work.

I told her that she must have brought it away with her.

Are all these a piece of my imagination or are they part of the unexplainable powers co-existing in our world?





Author
Johnny Kwek

小人物的心声 – Thoughts from a small man

My name is Ah Boy. Many call me boy boy. I have been dancing salsa for close to a year plus now and I am getting sicker and sicker of the dance as no one understands me. I got to know the very nice, caring and sociable Almost Virgin recently and I intend to use his help to voice out some issues that I have been enduring for a really long time.

With a height of 1.55 meters, I am not considered one of the big boys around. I may be short but I have a passion for the dance greater or taller than most of the Salseros out there. It’s not my fault that I am born short. It’s not my fault that I want to be in direct contact with your armpit and it’s definitely not my fault that I want to see your breast in full blossom right in my face. It is just that I am shorter than the other handsome dudes out there.

I hate being shorter in my entire life. I am always the last to get picked in basket ball and I am always the last to get picked in everything. Salsa is a sport where no one will pick me and I will get to pick which ever lady that I want to lay hands on. At least that should be the way it should be. But……….

So many times people would reject me because of my height. I know as I can see it from their eyes. As I approach a lady for a dance, the lady would look around at her eye level seeing no one there. Slowly they will tilt their heads lower to see me looking up with such compassionate expression and they will than say yes. I have been rejected directly in my face before with some lame excuse although I know it is all just because of my damn height. My constant sniffing was not due to the flu bug but due to the people I have seen and heard gossiping about me.

I used to go home late at night after a fun night of dancing. My standard routine after that is to get a big towel and used it to wrap cubes of ice and put it around my neck. My mum had asked me so many times already.

[Mum] Ah boy ah, what happened to your neck?
[Boy] Nothing much, my neck just feels a bit sore.
[Mum] Every time you come back from dancing, I will see you do this.
[Boy] Don’t worry about me Ma, I will be fine tomorrow.

I can see my mum’s heart pain as she sees her ah boy suffering. I do not dare to tell her that my neck is sore because of the constant night of “looking up”. I had to practically look up to all dance partners in every dance of the night. Naturally, my neck would be sore but I will not give it up. The pain in my neck is negligible compared to my passion of the dance.

I don’t know about you but I do have some sick perverted friends always disturbing me by saying that I am the luckiest man on the dance floor. Why? Because of the proximity factor, I am the man closest to all the boobies of all the girls I get to dance with. Its not that I have a choice but one small mistake me or she makes might get my head “booped”. I will always answer back to those perverts that I am also the closer to the armpits to all the girls I get to dance with. Whenever they raise their hands for a right turn or a left turn, on good days, I will enjoy the aroma of “Lux” or “Chanel”. On bad days, sometimes I will get “Hugo” for MAN.

I always wanted to try a double right turn with a partner taller than me. But due to the reason that I am unable to stretch my hands to create a hallo around the ladies head, it makes things much more complicated. I guess I will just have to be contented with a single right turn with me on the edge of my toes.

I do not wish to bitch about my school instructors but sometimes I do get really fed up. Due to my petite body structure, sometimes I get into a lot of trouble doing the moves as instructed.

Number one on my list, I hate to do the tunnel. Tunnel here is that the lady will have to go under my armpit. Since I am short, the lady will have to go very low which makes it in such a way she will scrub against my armpit. Eeewwwwwwwwww!!!! So the instruction is that I have to jump or at least tip-toe so that the lady can go through. I am telling you, hell did I jump. I jump so high that I look like a monkey so that I can complete the move. It took me 20 tries after hitting the ladies head just before I got it.

Number two on my list is the breaking of the lady’s hands behind their back. As I am considered small sized, I have a difficulty stretching the ladies hands straight so that their hands could be nicely placed behind their back. In the event of learning these moves, I have sprained 3 and fractured 1 as of now. I wonder how many other victims will I victimized?

Number three on my list is the drop. Is it easier to balance a short pole on a long pole or a long pole on a short? Imagine me dropping a lady 1.5 times my height? Just to find the centre of gravity will be killing me. I usually land up on top of the lady on the floor.

Being short makes me more prone to danger from the dance floor. I am usually hit by the elbows from my partners because as they turn, their elbows are just about the height to hit me on the temple. I usually blank out for a split second before I continue with the next move with a wide smile across my face. Not only am I victimized by the elbows from my partner, I am also victimized from the others on the dance floor, man or woman. Again as it is the nice height for them.

Enough of the elbows, I also have a problem with the knee caps, especially on Bachata. Whenever I dance with a partner taller than me, with a close hold, I tend to get blue balls. Because I get knee-ed so often in my balls, the friction is causing me to get blue balls.

My mum is always so concerned with me getting a girl friend. I am 26 years old as of today and I am still a virgin. And as usual, as a forever concerned mother, she will always be asking me to find myself a suitable girlfriend.

[Mum] Ah boy ah, why you always go dancing and come back with a sore neck. Why you cannot come back with a ja bor?
[Boy] Aiyoh Ma, your boy here is a man of dignity. How can I do something like that? Unless they die die want me to bring them home lah.
[Mum] Never mind, you test test first. If engine not good then you change another one mah. Dance for so long already also no progress.
[Boy] Aiyoh Ma, this kind of thing cannot rush one. Nowadays we youngsters talk about chemistry one. Maybe one day I bring back someone taller than me you can accept or not?
[Mum] Taller than you? Neber mind one. When you lie down, every thing will be the same already!

-- silence --

[Boy] Eh…………. Orh!!

Author
Johnny Kwek

Generalization of ladies in Union Square

Generally, I still insist that there are more women than men in Union Square. As part of the Salsa community in our little town, who wouldn’t have heard of Union Square? Yes I do agree that there are more and more salsa clubs appearing here but never would they be able to over thrown the status of US.

I have a friend who is paparazzi cum schitzo and he thinks he is NOT gay. Read it slowly and in between the lines.

HeDthinksIhe’sNnotOgay
HeDthinksIhe’sNnotOgay
HeDthinksIhe’sNnotOgay
HeDthinksIhe’sNnotOgay


Wahahahahahahahahahahah

But anyway, he wrote on the Generalization of guys in Union Square, therefore I will write on the ladies.

After some discussion with my super heroes, in general, ladies in union could be classified as below...


The flirt

Characteristics: wear short skirts, show lots and lots of skin

These are the kind that men should be wary about. They may not be the best dancer but they are definitely the least dressed dancer.

They may not be the prettiest dancer on the dance floor but they are definitely the sexiest dancer. They usually are the expert with body language and hand movements to feel and caress the men to follow the lead of the men.

They will be the one who usually loves butterfly-ing from one man to another and usually the ones who gets the free drinks all night long.

They enjoy the thrill of men dying for them and to think of them sexually whenever the men need to hide in the room with a box of tissue.


The Seekress

Characteristics: female version of seeker

I will start by extracting a section from paparazzi.

The Seeker
Characteristics: The Seeker doesn't know his type of preference. As a result, he will try to know as many victims as possible in an attempt to find The ONE. You can normally see him mixing with a lot of "THE ONES" possible in US and exchanging phone numbers with them. And after that, he will attempt to try his luck with the ones he has short listed until he hit jackpot. Read: Not One, but the ONES.

The Seekress
Having a want to be possessed by someone, not by a ghost, this group of ladies, try as hard as they can to know as many people as they can. They have a need to be attached to someone so that they can share their joy and sorrow.

I am not classifying this group of ladies as desperate or a flirt. They are opened to an option of knowing someone, analyzing someone. Once the chemistry kicks in, they will swoop in and feast on the catch. Champagne pops and mojitos would start to pour.

Side tracking a bit I would like to strengthen the point is that it IS more possible to get hitched in US as compared to anywhere else meaning that you spend more time dancing with a person, sparks will arise more easily.

All the friends around spend more time dancing than doing any other sports. So being in a place where you find activity partners who share a common interest and who shares the same friend, you tend to get hitched more easily.



The Xiao Nu Ren

Characteristics: go coz boyfriend go

I will further classify these ladies into two categories.

One of them is being demoted from the Seekress who found the love of her life from the dance floor. And another is to dance or to learn to dance only because the boyfriend is dancing.

These ladies will only appear when the boyfriend is around. Never an opportunity will arise that they are they are alone without the boyfriend. This is because they will have an identity crisis if they happen to be there all by themselves as they do not know which category they belong to.

These are the good women around. I am NOT saying the rest are bad but these are the more magnanimous ladies who are gentle and caring.

Although in the event that the relationship turns sour, they will have an identity crisis and then will start to vanish from the salsa scene.



The Diva

Characteristics: very very selective and arrogant

These are the ladies which are usually capable of shining on the dance floor.

The context of shine here is not to do a Suzie-Q or a Miami-Shine. The context of shine here is that a person being able to excruciate glowing realm of light from the body.

Most of the time, these group of divas will usually be the best dancers on the floor. But due to the solid foundation and years of experience, they are usually very selective in their dance partners.

These are usually the kind of ladies who will do the following.

[Almost Virgin] May I ask you for a dance?

[Diva] I am so sorry but you will have to queue. After the next two people in queue, I will dance with you.

This scenario is based on Almost Virgin after observing the Diva who have stoned at her seat for the last two songs. Almost Virgin decided to ask her to dance only because Almost Virgin thinks that she is getting lonely and bored.


I am sure there are also the majority that dances for the dance.

Lets dance for the love of the dance

Who’s your favorite partner? – Part 2

I reflected last night after reading some of the comments and here comes the part 2.

Do men really associate favorite partners with looks?

I was pondering as I walked home last night. The truth is that this is a difficult question and a tricky one. Personally, I think everyone is beautiful. It takes courage to say someone is ugly. You have always thought that someone is ugly but I bet you have never told someone that he/she is ugly in that person’s face.

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder

She may be the ugliest woman on the dance floor, but you would still be swooned by her amazing demonstration of styling, character and presentation. She may be the fattest dancer on the dance floor, but you would still be impressed by her lightning turns that executes so accurately which turns so fast you can feel the wind by just standing next to her.

Appreciation is one thing but executing is another

Would you always ask the best dancer on the dance floor for a dance?

Multiple circumstances results in the intended question to happen.

I had been there and I do know that many would not ask the better dancers around for a dance. The reason is simple. The reason is that you think that you are not good enough to dance with her yet; therefore you do not wish to embarrass yourself in front of him/her or the audience. Let’s look at this issue from another aspect. Partners are supposed to make their partners look good.

Assuming the scenario that the intended recipient of a dance is a good follower and will easily accustomed to the requester’s lead, on top of that, the recipient is socialable with no airs or any other fake pretence.

Who in the world would like to dance with someone better than you who have the ability to make you look like a fool? Who would like to dance with someone who will counter lead the leader? Who would like to dance with someone who has a stern face who shows air of arrogance with the chin always nicely placed in front of the eye? Who would like to dance with someone who always goes “tsk,tsk,tsk”?

Limitation of favorite-ness

Based on the following scenario, what is in your allowable region? This is used only as an example. Please change the gender if required.

IaMaMan dances with IaMaWoman for two songs consecutively
IaMaMan dances with IaMaWoman for three songs consecutively
IaMaMan dances with IaMaWoman for four songs consecutively

The list goes on but what I need to know is the impression of the general public before you foresee something fishy is going on and scandals may start to fly.

My opinion to my own question is that option 1 is still acceptable as giving the leader the benefit of the doubt that the first song was too short or they started too late as they need to find a comfortable dancing area or to squeeze through the packed crowd to get to the dance floor, therefore they decided to take another dance to complete the moves that was not executed in the first dance. They decided to take a second dance also maybe because that the song on air now is so wonderful and amazing that it would be such a waste not to dance to that song. There was a change from Salsa to Bachata, so the basis that the dance is different, they took another dance.

Call me superficial but from point 2 onwards, I will feel uncomfortable even for stranger or from people that I know. C’mon, three dances in a row with the same person IS weird. You cannot stop me from bitching when that happens.

THREE DANCES!

SAME PERSON!

CONSECUTIVELY!

Do you dare to tell me you are not feeling something for someone?

And now I am telling you it’s all up to you. I have nothing left to say.

I will leave it to the general public to read and decide.

P/S: I am not referring to Princess Kuku Bird in this post. To know who I am talking about, you have to look and observe.

Okay to ease the tension. Please watch this.

NO PORK NO PORK

Who’s your favorite partner? – Part 1

I am sure you have a favourite dancing partner.
Is it him, Hossan?

Or is it him, Xiao Qing?

My new super heroes are creating quite an overhaul with the scandals especially Mr Qing here.

But back to me.

When I walk into a club, after getting my drink, the first thing I would do is to look out for familiar faces. I look out for people whom I can bitch with who will update me on the daily scandals. I look out for people whom I can dance with so that I could be equipped with a constant flow of dance mates. I look out for arch enemies so that I can spike their drink when they are not looking.

I do have a list of preferred partners that I would like to dance with most of the time. The difference in preferred in this context would mean that out of Lady Boy A, Lady Boy B, Lady Boy C, I would prefer to dance with Lady Boy A but I would not opt out any possibilities that I will not dance with Lady Boy B. Although frankly, shamefully I do have a little black book of mine that I keep deep in my heart on some dancers that I would never want to dance with. Given the fact that I was violated physically and mentally before by these bitches, I deem the fact of refusal to dance as self protection.

As the salsa scene in Singapore is gradually blooming, I find myself losing a substantial flow of dancing partners. There are so many times when I find myself sitting or standing in a corner, yearning for a dance. The people around me would always be happily dancing while I can just look and learn.

I stand firm on my point that there are more men then women in Union Square. Men are like everywhere. Women are always on the dance floor. What does men resort to do? They start dancing with each other, they start to play pool and they start to form four-couple 8 men Rueda. In order to participate in a dance, I have seen men stoop so low as to wear a bare back evening dress, cross-dressing as a girl, so that he could dance that very night.

The good thing is Men are clever and they evolve. They start to find ways and means to provide a constant flow of dances. They decided to find girlfriends which they can simply dance with each other all night long. They resort to booking a partner by telling the whole world that she is my favorite partner and they will dance with each other all night long.

Excuse me if you sense jealousy squirming from this blog. Firstly, I agreed whole heartedly that she is your favorite partner. No doubt you love to dance with her. But please make sure that the feeling is mutual as you are stopping me to dance with her. More importantly, you are stopping her from dancing with me.

I asked Banana Man that night on who is his favorite partner. He reverted he has a lot of favorite dancers. I requested for him to name me a few so that I would know who his favourite dancers are so that I can share his favorite dancers.

Apparently he has quite a few favorite dancers. He has the Little Indian Girl, the Thai’s Girlfriend; he has even Princess K (K for Kuku Bird) and more and more.

Princess K!!!

Cannot!!!
She is 43633739's favorite dancer. People got boyfriend already so don’t play play okay.

But anyway who is your favorite dancer?

The Most Undesirable Present

Morning class, today we will explore into the possibility of not getting the most undesirable gifts for men… and women of course.

I agree that I could have simply state that we will be talking about the possibility of getting the most desirable gift for men and women but the point here is that what is the actual possibility that the gift you get for someone will actually be liked by that someone.

I know that love is in the air as valentine is coming. People celebrate with their loved ones on this special day to remember their sweet moments as one. The day will be for someone to remember that someone for the tender loving care they shared for someone. Someone will be waiting for someone to let that someone do something for someone.

Please bear in mind although you hooked up couples are presently engaged into exploring more of your partner, there are also sad lovers out there who need our tender loving care. I know of someone out there who is lovesick. I know of someone out there who is still waiting. And I definitely know of someone out there who likes someone but dare not tell that someone. So how do you tell that someone that someone likes him/her?


A Gift

Preparing a correct and appropriate gift will be deemed as the most important. You would want to prepare a gift in order to impress but not in order to scare. You want to prepare a gift that is unique and different and not some Crocs slipper you can get at any corner of a neighborhood.

Let’s explore into some scenarios.


Giving what he/she likes

Assuming if you know that your friend likes cuddly bears, would you get her a furry teddy bear from Sasha Bear Company, or would you get her a bear from Watson’s?

You should not get her a bear at all.

Based on the fact that she likes something that would mean that she would have tons of those by now. Statistically, Singapore is very small and so what is the possibility of you getting the same thing as she already has?

If she already knows that you would be getting her something that she likes, there would be no element of surprise. Months after months, years after years, do you still think that she will like the bears your give her repeatedly after so many years?

I have a friend who loves pineapples; I do not see the girlfriend giving him tons and tons of pineapples as a present.


The degree of appropriateness

A lot of thought is required while selecting your presents. You do not want to be deemed stingy neither do you want to be deemed over-doing it. You want to make the partner comfortable while receiving the present and not scare her away.

It is quite common getting a nice photo frame as a gift, putting the lovebird’s photo in there so that your partner could think of you always.

It is a great idea for old lovebirds but not for the newbie.

You just met someone two weeks ago and you gave her a photo frame with your photo superimposed onto hers using your fantastic Photoshop skills. I swear to God that the lady will just throw the present onto your face and run away screaming.

The type of gifts will have to be chosen carefully parallel to how long you guys have known each other.

Handmade presents are usually nice. It brings out on how thoughtful and sweet and how much you think of that person while making the presents. But the basis that making a jigsaw puzzle, of the picture that you superimposed your face onto hers, as a present is ridiculous. This sounds like what a psycho will do.

Huge presents are loud and attention seeking. If you want to make yourself look good and make everyone awe at your present, gigantic presents are always great. It could be a huge teddy bear or a huge cushion or even a TV set. But the issue evolves if you make a big furry heart and then you put the jigsaw puzzle that you made, which shows the picture of your superimposed face with hers, on top of the heart, with a heart-shaped balloon tied to it right after you know her for three days. That sounds like what Mr. Incredible would do.

Giving sex weapons or restricted items is a no no even if you are the President of the country. You are trying to be funny and I am sure she will make you into a Bunny.


Flowers

A rose is a rose and nobody knows
How all my love just grows and grows
Never a mile when I wouldn't smile
And never a trial to love all the while

Women get excited over flowers and I do know some men who get excited over them too. The thing here is, what is the big a deal over flowers?

3 stalks – I love you
10 stalks – You are perfect
999 stalks - My love will last till the end of time
99999999 stalks – Stupid!!!!

Flowers are expensive and it wilts and dies. Why bother giving flowers to someone knowing that your present will die. Once it dies, it just ends up in the rubbish bin or remains old and yellowish till the end of time.

I strongly believe that flowers are a wrong misinterpretation of love for the special someone. Flowers live only for a very short period and does this mean that you would only love her in this period? Are you showing that someone that her youth is in due time and soon enough she would be like this flower, yellow and dry?


Chocolates

Chocolates are a fantastic gift which is sexy, sweet and elegant. Even a box of Ferrero Roche that a kid buy from 7-Eleven can beat hands down compared to the S-Class Mercedes Driver who bought the 99999999 roses from Far East Flora.

Chocolates, especially during valentines, come in an extravagant packaging which displays a sex appeal from the sender of the gift. The recipient will be impressed by the mysterious layout from the box that encapsulates sweet little treasures. The sweetness and bitterness of the chocolates allows the recipient to imagine the highs and lows of a relationship. The silver line being chocolates gets one horny.

Imagine having strawberries with chocolates while sipping a glass of Charles LaFITTE and exchanging sweet nothings. Sharing the old moments of the treasured times together and visions of a new future en-coupled with the debate over the GST hike.

Please do not create an opportunity where the box of chocolates is given to the recipient in the company of a large group of friends. Being a nice social animal most would magnanimously open the box of goodies and share with the group of close friends around her. Imagine the glutton taking three or four of the chocolates you carefully selected from SINS while that bugger just gobbled it up without even chewing.


Cards

I deem this the most appropriate and nicest present one could get for your loved ones. Asked yourself truthfully when was the last time you got her a card? A card is simply the cheapest and most affordable present one could get. To add in more effort, you can make the card and you can claim that this is the one and only card in the world, made especially for you.

A card goes a long way as you can write down words and phrases that displays your character. Furthermore it adds on to an element of surprise and creates a pinch of sincerity. Write down your thoughts or all those mushy words you never thought you could say. And finally you seal it with a kiss.



I know people would start saying that if I am all that great, what I would propose to be the most ideal gift to get this valentine.

I admit that I am not a Casanova but I would be more than happy to share what I deem as the most romantic and sweetest thing for one to do on valentines.

If you are alone this year and you need a woman, I say call this number 1900-SEX-CHAT.

If you are alone this year and you actually liked someone, I say write her a card and give it to her. Tell her how you feel. If things do not work out, I am sure everyone can still be friends.

If you are already with someone, I say follow the following steps.

1. Make a card this year, preferable a big card around A4 size will be appropriate
2. Stuff it behind your back into your pants
3. Conceal the card at your back with your shirt un-tucked
4. Run to her when you see her that day
5. Give her a hug in a way you never did (No groping of breasts and ass)
6. In return she will hug you back and she felt something hard at your back.
7. You whisper in her ear “I love you” and you wish her a happy valentines.
8. She would ask you what is that behind your back
9. You start to let go and face her. Drop a kiss and you pull that card out for her
10. See her smile

The One on the Cookie

I am finally back after a long week of meeting and meeting and meeting.

I really miss planting my feet on the dance floor and to forget the long and tedious meeting notes that I have to submit daily. I miss indulging myself during my regular tea breaks on a nice and sinful chocolate cake from “Awfully Chocolate”. I miss my bitching sessions with my super heroes on the daily updates on the other super heroes.

I miss being back in my office.

I had a pretty bad tummy upset that day and I am not in the best of health for the entire weekend. I blame it on Mel Gibson’s intriguing and horrifying display in his new movie “Apocalypto” which bears resemblance to Harrison’s Ford “Indiana Jones - Temple of Doom” which shadows my childhood of terrifying nightmares. I blame it on the weather which is so damn unpredictable which causes a terrible bug across our island. But my final conclusion is that I blame it on my clients.

It was a Thursday afternoon and I am stuck in the meeting with my clients. It is pouring with animals outside the window and I am visualizing that an angel can save me today. I was vandalizing on the cold window due to the mist created from the very cold meeting room.

“What are you doing?” I heard a voice. Using my palm, I erased all vandalism that I created on Annoyed Reader off the window.

“Nothing, I am just enjoying the scenery. You have a very good view up here.”

Pretending all innocent and shy, I sipped on my coffee. I sat down and prepared myself for the next wave of a very boring meeting.

“Please help your self to the cookies”, my client said with a cheeky grin that flashed across her face. I bet she must have seen what I drew on the window.

Regardless, as a form of courtesy and not greediness, I decided to help myself to the cookie. I placed my hand on the plate of cookies and a sudden laughter ran through the room as my other clients walked into the room laughing at the top of their head. I guess it must be some weird jokes that they were talking about. A vision of them drugging me and raping me ran through my head.

I felt a tug on my finger.

“Is there a problem with the cookies?” I remembered my fingers still on the cookie while I froze in the same position.

I took the cookie and I sat down. I opened the wrapper and pop it in my mouth. Slowly and gently, I enjoyed the aroma of the cookie that fills my mouth.

I decided to take another one. Again I opened the wrapper and I pop it in my mouth.

Now I have two wrappers in front of me table. I took a sip of my coffee, trying to remember the sweetness of the cookie. I cannot seem to remember anymore. I decided to take the last cookie on the plate.

“So Johnny, you really like the cookie huh?”

“Yes, it is quite nice.” I replied, ashamed of myself for my unsatisfying greed.

“So James, how is your fortune today?” my client asked my colleague sitting next to me.

James replied, “Lucky”.

“So Johnny how is YOUR fortune today.”

Dumbfounded, I looked around and I see all eyes on me. I think to myself to see if this was a trick question. I guess not since James replied with such confidence. In order to take the safest option, I replied.

“Such a coincidence, I am lucky today too.”

The focus gradually diverted away from me.

I decided to investigate on the mysterious “How is your fortune today” question.

“Hey James, how did you know that you are lucky today?”

James replied, “It’s in the cookie. Your fortune today is in the Fortune Cookie.”

James took a look on the wrappers on my table while I hold a third unopened cookie in my hand. He said.

“Oh dear!! Do not tell me that you ate it!”



That explains my terrible weekend.

Tricky Descpicable Clients (TDC)

Freedom Of Speech

I have a new super friend and his name is Annoyed Reader.

Annoyed Reader dropped me an email this morning to express his concern on how I can improve on my blog and my dance.

Attached his email...

----------------------------------------------

Dear Almost Virgin,

I stumbled onto your blog recently and I would like to say that your blog is not interesting and it’s full of crap. The humour portrayed is insulting and degrades humanity. There are so many things about you and your super friends which are naive and stupid and worst of all, not funny. If you think your blog is popular and creative, which uses sarcastic jokes and make believe stories, that could raise your popularity level, you are making a mistake.

Apparently, I think your life is a mistake.

Furthermore I would like to add that I personally think that your competition dance was worst than amateurs. Please compare yourself to the rest of the dancers who performed that night and understand where you stand. Please do not make a fool of yourself again.

Regards
Annoyed Reader

----------------------------------------------

I replied this morning via email.

----------------------------------------------

Dear Annoyed Reader,

I have received your comments and feedback and I really appreciate your concern for me. I have no qualms that my competition dance was not up to the level for your appreciation and on the basis for my self-centered egoistic nature, I performed only for myself to enjoy the dance. I do not give a damn on what others say.

Secondly, I understand your disagreement on the cold, corny humour portrayed on my blog. Please understand that this is a personal blog. There is Freedom of Speech in my country and I bitch about everything that my imagination brings me. If you do not like my kind of humour, please discontinue all reading from my blog.

You really make me wonder why you sent me such a harshful email out of a sudden.

1. Is it because all your girlfriend talks about now is me?
2. Did you dream about me in your sleep?
3. Did you dream about me and your girlfriend in your sleep?
4. Is it because you just cannot figure out who are the superheroes in my entries and you are pissed?
5. Is it because I slept with your mother?

But anyway, I will seriously reflect on your email and I will try to read it over and over again. Thanks for the time and concern that you have spent typing the email.

As I will be away for the next 5 days, I might not be able to reply you via email. For any comments, please put it in the comments box. I will revert to you shortly. Hope to hear from you soon.

Regards,
Almost Virgin

----------------------------------------------

I think something wrong with him..... crazy Annoyed Reader.

I will really be away for the next 5 days so please come back on Monday.

I am sick by the way. Just took MC to go home to play my Play-Station.

Tata......

The Tuck-Or-Tuck Effect

I believe that all guys and some ladies might have had the experience of wearing a shirt to the dance floor.

Personally I hate to wear shirts to dance. Although I wear a shirt to dance most of the time except for weekends due to the proximity of my work place and the lazy bug implanted in me.

I think it is uncomfortable, awkward, irritating to salsa in a shirt.

It is uncomfortable to dance in a shirt because….

1. The elbow areas makes it difficult to execute complicated twisting moves
2. The cufflinks very often will get entangled in the ladies hair
3. The buttons are distracting as the ladies will keep thinking of un-buttoning them
4. There are gaps between two buttons which gives the opportunity for ladies to stick their finger in and scratch you. Which you will have a hard time explaining to your spouse or girlfriend that you actually got it from a dance. [I swear it did not happen to me]
5. I wear cheap shirts which are usually not water resistant. When I sweat, people would think that I just went for a swim. They get very damp and when you dance with the next person, when she lay hands on your shirt, the sound of the wetness on your shirt goes like *piak piak* *piak piak piak*
6. Due to the horrific whether in Singapore, my shirts are usually very thin. So when they get wet when I sweat, I kinda get very sexy and I never liked the looks on the aunties when I am wet.
7. Lastly, I hate the part that the shirts keep getting themselves out of the pants.
   

Let me illustrate the last point with an example.




When we walk into the club for a dance, the shirt will be properly tucked into the pants. We will probably walk around, get a beer and socialize around.

When the music starts, you go onto the dance floor and enjoyed a couple of dances. From then, your shirt becomes semi-tucked.



Without realizing, you continue to dance.


As the night goes deeper and darker, you just had your second round of beer and by now, you realize that now your shirt is fully un-tucked. You look around to see if there are ladies worth you impressing.

If yes, you tuck in your shirt.

If no, forget it. Continue to dance.


This is a deadly cycle. So eventually you land up with your shirt un-tucked at the end of the day.


I name this “The Tuck-Or-Tuck Effect”. This has been a very common behavior that I have been noticing for quite a while now. Scientific results show that men between 25 to 35 years of age are more easily acquainted to this syndrome as compared to the other age group. Experimental results shows that this is due to a lack of Vitamin S, A and L. Pre-symptoms include, unbearable urge to pick nose and scratch balls.

According to Professor Incredible, the root to these problems is to find red underwear.

Not green, not black.

Red!



Why red? Red underwear creates a moist layer of humpolactiva which basically is the main ingredient of imonantila and urfadansiga. It helps to make things stay in motion. So the trick is to stick your shirt into your underwear when you dance. 100% money back guarantee that your shirt will remain intact through out the salsa night. For more effective usage, only dance with partners that are shorter than you.

Blog has been revamped!!!

Hey folks,

Due to overwhelmed complaints that my blog is unorganised and difficult to read, I have decided to rearrange them.

I have added a couple of new links on some cool dudes so please pay them a visit too.

I have added a new section called my poems and another called my stories.

I actually had the intention to change my blog name to

almostvirgin.blogspot.com

but too bad someone has already taken it.

So it leaves me with my current blogname.

Had intention to change it to something like

almost_a_virgin.blogspot

Any ideas anyone?

Have a great weekend ahead!!!

Dancing Etiquette

Its twelve midnight and I should be getting my beauty sleep but deep down I had to write this entry as it really troubles me. Please pardon the language as it's late, I am tired and sleepy and I had no supper tonight.

Its ridiculous how uncultured some people can get and I am writing this entry to the public to cultivate proper decent etiquette among our fellow dancers. Everyone knows that I am a soft spoken person with a warm heart but seeing my friends getting beaten up, I cannot take this lying and I will be serious for once.

Only recently, I realize that I have friends around me taking the dance floor as their personal battle arena. They took the opportunity of a dance to practice their flying elbows, their smacking fingers and their stomping feats. Excuse me? Please do not practice your Level 9 Buddha Palms on the dance floor! Please look out for your partners at all times, guys and girls. And seriously, regardless who is in the wrong, please say the golden word of “Sorry”. I am sure that no one wants to see that one day in Union Square, everyone starts to gear themselves with safety helmets, elbow guards, shin guards and the yellow safety boots dancing around.

There are multiple issues which I discovered recently that will raise eyebrows and I need to bring it to everyone’s attention.

Missy Cunninglingus told me that day that she was brutally attacked. She was given a three hit combo by the person in the midst of one dance. She kenna one across the cheek, followed by one at the back of the head and ended with a finale on the temple. The worst shit is that, Mr. Commando who inflicted all this on Missy Cunninglingus did not have the basic courtesy to say that he was sorry or to ask if she was okay. He continued to carry out his so confident and arrogant moves. Wat the F***! Harlow?

1. Is it against your religion to say “Sorry”?
2. Does it really matter so much to you to disturb your continuous flow of intriguing moves to stop and ask if she is okay?
3. Your hairstyle sucks.
   

Invisible Girl told me that day that she was stepped twice in a Bachata dance and once in a Salsa dance by the same person on the same feet. The main issue here is that this guy kept insisting that it was Invisible's fault.

C’mon, for the first time, maybe it’s her fault as your lead is so amazing or ridiculously tricky that the norms are unable to interpret. Two times in a row, maybe we are still learning. But three times in a row, I think your dick is in your ass.

So yes the move is difficult, I cannot interpret. So forget that particular move and let’s dance to the song. Let’s enjoy this two minute together and dance without getting my toes stepped.

Furthermore, you are the man. Regardless the case, the lady got stepped and she is in pain. Please just say that you are sorry rather than shouting to the world that she has done it wrongly. What are you trying to prove? That imperfection is a crime? All man makes mistakes. Are you trying to show that you are perfect and not a man?

I am so angry.

Ladies, ladies, I understand that some guys are quite demanding and they will just make you go on a merry go round. Round and round and round. I understand that due to unforeseen circumstances like being on a full stomach or having that time of the month, you are unable to summon enough concentration to be stable on the spot or rather it is just that guy's lead is way too lousy. Still on a crowded dance floor, if you happen to lose the balance and hit other couples on the floor, please do not stare at them as if they are in the wrong. They did not infiltrate your area of space. Apparently you are the metal ball in a pin ball machine and you just happen to hit a lot of bonuses. Please turn around and say the golden word.

Guys, guys, I understand that some ladies are very demanding and to satisfy them, you have to show them everything. From complicated moves to spectacular moves, everything you have mastered from schools, movies, stunt shows so that your partner will be amazed by your brilliant skills. But please, analyze the situation before attempting the almost impossible. If the dance floor is crowded, with very limited space, keep your partner as close to you as possible. For very complicated moves that requires very extravagant hand movements, keep those to the minimal. I am sure there will be other chances to show these masterpieces off another day.

Ladies, if you happen to accidentally hit a man in the course of a dance, smother the part that got knocked and whisper in his ears “I am sorry but I will repay you back tonight.”

Gentleman, if you happen to accidentally hit a lady in the course of a dance, smother the part that got knocked and whisper in her ears “I am sorry and I will give you your pay back time tonight.”

For everyone who wants to understand the full concept of the art of defensive salsa, please refer to the following link for the teachings by the Guru of defensive Salsa herself.





The picture below belongs to Invisble Woman. I do understand that there are many readers out there who are very curious to reveal the idenitity of Invisble woman as you guys cannot see her since she is invisble.

Therefore to appease the many curious readers out there, I will formally disclose her identity and her true self.

BEHOLD!!!




INVISIBLE WOMAN

REVEALED

MY SUPER HEROES

Hi folks, I will formally introduce my super heroes to everyone. Please, this is a very bitchy post. Please do not discuss loudly in public. For those who knows, please SHHHHHHHHH.......

Number of Danger stars (*) denotes how dangerous the super hero is.

Name: Superman
Age: 254
Traits: The social dancer. Cute and docile character. Possess super human ability and used to have a dick.
Danger:




Name: Batman
Age: 12
Traits: The creative dancer
Powers: Owns the ability to lure hamsters into traps.
Danger: *



Name: Invisible Woman
Age: 22
Traits: The errotic dancer
Powers: Ability to bite very fast and loves to wear only nipple tape during salsa dance.
Danger: *



Name: Missy Chatsalot
Age: 9
Traits: The bitchy dancer
Powers: Bitchy, very mean. Able to scrutinize people almost instantly on mrt trains.
Danger: **********



Name: Princess Katrina
Age: 22
Traits: The selective dancer
Powers: Currently the hottest gossip of the town. Powers are still undetermined. Rumoured to possess powers to switch between sex.
Danger: *




Name: Holly Molly
Age: 27
Traits: The funny dancer
Powers: The skitzo half of superman. The man who brought the laughs to the world. The comedian who directs and love role playing
Danger: *****




Name: Robin
Age: 15
Traits: The Safe Dancer
Powers: A simple, honest and very nice guy. Possess looks-that-kill abilities.
Danger: ***




Name: Salsa Guru
Age: 1111
Traits: The Attitude Dancer
Powers: With the strength of Hercules, able to backdrop human seven times his weight
Danger: **




Name: Ponle Sabor
Age: 35
Traits: The Salivating Dancer
Powers: Powers of amazing saliva. Able to kill enemies with acidic poisonous saliva. One spit of the saliva has a targetting radius of two km.
Danger: ****




Name: Salsa Jedi
Age: 25
Traits: The Hip Hop Dancer
Powers: He can hip and hop till he hop the house down.
Danger: **




Name: Salsa Slut
Age: 16
Traits: The Slutty Dancer
Powers: Mastered the mystical moves of Beggars Sect - Xiang Long 18 Jang. Able to use zapping fingers against enemies.
Danger: *****




Name: Mocking Bird
Age: 1
Traits: The Tall Dancer
Powers: Owning a natural high pitched voice, she can kill enemies with piercing effect. Trained with Teletubbies for seven years in the hidden mountain of Nixonalus, she has armed herself with strong abilities of smacking people
Danger: ******




Name: The Duck
Age: 35
Traits: The Executioner Dancer
Powers: Armed in sports attire, he can outrun anyone, anytime.
Danger: *




Name: Green Lantern
Age: 123
Traits: The Daily Dancer
Powers: The patient man and the never angry man. You can poke him in the ass and pull his pee pee and he will still not be angry.
Danger:




Name: Homer Simpson
Age: 30
Traits: The Duh Dancer
Powers: Give the man a beer. He holds the world's loudest burb record. He has powers to create vomit at any time any where.
Danger: *




Name: Mr Incredible
Age: 65
Traits: The Orange Dancer
Powers: Always hides two oranges underneath the armpit during a dance. A self-defense mechanism to attack the enemies in the most unnoticed fashion by shooting oranges from underneath the arm-pit.
Danger: **




Name: Stick man
Age: 32
Traits: The Sticky dancer
Powers: Although he is skinny and looks like a stick, he holds a Level 999 in black belt. Advantage during fights from long arms and long legs.
Danger: ***




Name: Topless Girl
Age: 16
Traits: The Topless Dancer
Powers: As the name implies, super power involves flashing the enemy before attacking lower half of body.
Danger: ****




Name: The Emu
Age: 55
Traits: The Balding Dancer
Powers: Possess natural born ability to lie. He lies so well that he could trick anyone to believe everything that he says.
Danger: *****




Name: The Banana Man
Age: 30
Traits: The Happy Dancer
Powers: A master in doing the back cum side steps. A master in stepping on other people's feet.
Danger:

My Family Photo

I Used To Have A Dick

I used to have a dick
With a body nine inch thick
He is always full of tricks
And very attractive to the chicks

He is like a sweet candy
Always so sweet and tasty and yummy
But whenever he sees a pretty lady
He becomes a horny baby

I love to stroke it to sleep
It feels like caressing little sheep
He always love to wee
Whilst I whistle to the “Flight of the BumbleBee”

It’s such a chore to trim his hair
But it’s funny to see him so bare
That day he spit onto my hair
And I gave him a good lashing on the chair

He really loves to hump
Just like Donald Trump
I happen to find him in a dump
But now he is so very plump

He was hit by SGB6548A that day
And coldly by the road he lay
I really hope that he can find his way
As my pet dog again one day

Author
Johnny Kwek