Show Me The Money

I want to win so badly
I want to win so much

I have been thinking about it since Chinese New Year
I cannot sleep not thinking about it

Please let me win
Please let me win the Prize money

I promise to be a good boy.
I promise to throw all my porn away.

I vow to help old aunties cross the road more often.
I vow never to litter again.

Please let me win.

Please let me win.







Please let me win the Toto

Ten million dollars

I have not won anything before so let me win it this time.

Show me the money!!!

En La Passion Party (Updated)

Hi folks,

I am officially announcing that I am going to partake in the ever first Singapore's Bachata Competition.

Please do come down for support on Thursday @ Double O.

Please note the following judging criteria.

1)Showmanship - (Inspired from my wet dream last night)
2)Technique - (Got it at $20 from 7-Eleven)
3)Choreography & Creativity - (My mum baked it for me)
4)Presentation ( inclusive of costumes) - (Rent it)
5)Chemistry - (Always had it)
6)Audience Reaction - (From you)

You will be there, wont you??




(Updated)
To the many of those who are not sure who my partner is going to be, this is for you.



My dearest boon, this is for you.



My sincere apologies to my dancing partner to reveal your identity.

This was the biggest my mouth ever opened.

The Cookie Strikes Again

Some of you might know that I used to have quite a serious affair with the fortune cookie.

It leads me to having a phobia while having them.

My director from Thailand came into the office today and handed each of us an Ang Bao. Inside each Red Packet, there contains a Fortune Cookie.

This time round I slowly unfold the packaging and prepare to pop it in my mouth. But I suddenly remembered my previous ass breaking incident and I decided to break it into half first.

*Crsshhhhh*

The sound of the cookie broke into half rings before me. I am excited with the hidden message encapsulated within.

I looked.

You'll soon fall in love!

I was blown away. I am already in love and how can I fall in love again? Its going to be so scandalous.

My mind starts to ponder on all scenarios that is going to happen around me. It sends a shiver down my spine. Would it be true?

I looked again and I flipped over.

異性缘份较好，容易结识男朋友 ， 恋爱温馨 。
(Able to bond well with the opposite sex. Easy to meet a boyfriend. Sweet love lies ahead.)

Really hope that fortune cookies don't come true. I don't mess around with men anymore. Oops!!!

Cai Tao Kway and Chee Cheong Fun

I sat at the round table with strangers all around me. I observed at the unfamiliar faces. I can vividly see that piece of spring onion stuck between the front teeth of that ugly looking piece of meat with round spectacles. I can see him laughing at the top of his voice telling stupid corny jokes to the pretty lady accessorized with golden bracelets and bulky necklaces wearing a red cheongsam (Chinese traditional costume).

I can see that skinny young man playing with his chopsticks. I see that old lady adjusting her VPL (visible panty line). I must say these pictures are not very appealing. Everything was moody till I see my “Cai Tao Kway” walking in from the door.

She looked beautiful. A young woman, who used to be strong and outspoken, looked so demure and stunning on the red carpet. She was the prettiest I ever met and the prettiest I shall ever meet.

We have not met for the last 15 years and we somehow caught up with each other the last year and as if fate were playing a joke on me, I am now sitting here watching her smiling radiantly on the red carpet with the only memories of her that I have still lingering on the period of my little tanned girl with the cute pig tails. Some things never change.

We were both orphans and we met at the orphanage back in 1969. I remember that times were bad then and I grew up not knowing whom my parents are. From the moment I can start remembering, I already knew I was with a bunch of other kids where we lived together and slept together. Some of us had parents while some of us don’t. Some of them that I know were thrown here by their parents and some of us like me can only remember that we were born here.

It was back at the orphanage where I spent the sweetest time of my life. These are the memories that I want to bring to my deathbed and it was here where I met my “Cai Tao Kway”. We grew up together and we spent most of our time together. I loved “Cai Tao Kway” (Carrot Cake) so I called her “Cai Tao Kway”. She loved “Chee Cheong Fun”.

We slept together, we wept together and we pooped together. I remember holding her hands while we watch that scary show on TV. I remember sharing with her my lollipop when I got my pay. I remembered marrying her underneath that oak tree. I remember……

I remember her bleeding from her knees while protecting me from the neighbor’s dog. I remember her breaking her piggy bank to get me a football. I remember her crying when I pushed her that day……

We would do nothing the whole day but just spend it with each other by just walking down the river or sitting on the tree branch. Things were so peaceful then. The boys never played with me as I am always with my “Cai Tao Kway”. The boys would laugh at me and mocked me and kicked me. They would let the neighbor’s dog bite me. “Cai Tao Kway” would rush and protect me.

I remember punching the fat boy in the face that day because he said something mean about “Cai Tao Kway”. I punched him in the face and I got beaten up real bad. It was “Cai Tao Kway” who rubbed my wound that night. She never knew why I got beaten up as she never asked. She knew things happen for a reason.

I had enough of the boys bullying me and I decided to go and confront them. I stood up for myself and faced the boys. They said I could join them if I could beat them in soccer. So I joined their game and I scored three out of the only four goals in the game. The boys loved me.

I decided to spend more times with the boys from then. We played ball from day to night and we would fish and swim doing what boys do. I spend less time with my “Cai Tao Kway”. There was no more strolling by the beach or watching the sun set.

I heard that night the sound of breaking glass. I woke up and I saw her standing in front of her shattered pieces of her ex piggy bank. She bent down and she picked up the coins in her piggy bank, one by one. Things must happen for a reason, and I went back to sleep.

The next day she woke me up early in the morning. She said “Can I play with you?” In her hand she holds a brand new soccer ball. I looked at the ball and I looked at my “Cai Tao Kway”. What have I done? What have I done?

I took her hand and we went out to play ball. I missed the laughter and the smiles from her. I missed her.

The boys saw me playing ball with my “Cai Tao Kway” and they were not happy. They feel that I have abandoned them and I have become a girl again. They started calling me names again. They walked over to me this time and confronted me. My “Cai Tao Kway” rushed over and confronted them. They were quarrelling and I know I had to make a decision and I know that I made one that made me regret for the rest of my life. I walked towards them and I pushed “Cai Tao Kway” away. I swear it was a gentle push but she stumbled back and she fell onto the grass. She looked at me and she was crying. Was it really that painful? Did I hurt her back or did I hurt her somewhere else. I walked off with the boys praising me for what I did. I looked back and I see her alone on the floor sobbing.

I did not talk to her for the next few days and we were like strangers. No one could ever imagine how close we used to be.

I can still remember that it was a Thursday afternoon and some weird unfamiliar faces were at the orphanage that day. I was playing ball outside and I see my “Cai Tao Kway”. She was going up the vehicle that came with the strangers. Right away I knew what was happening.

They were taking my “Cai Tao Kway” away. I never felt the importance and I never felt the pain. Suddenly, it struck. It struck me to realize that I am going to lose her. I am going to lose her forever. I have never felt so lost in my life as I realized that I am going to lose her forever. The sound of the engine rang and again I made another big mistake of my life. I should have started running earlier.

I ran and I ran. I shouted and I shouted. I screamed and I screamed. I cried and I cried. I never caught up with that vehicle. At the end of the road, I can see a dot of it all driving away while I am left there panting. Tears are dripping and my heart is tearing.

“Its been a while. How have you been? You look so good.”

Awaken from the sweet voice; I realized my “Cai Tao Kway” was now standing in front of me. Dressed in her dazzling wedding gown, I looked at her.

“You look beautiful today.” I stuttered.

“Only today? So I am not pretty any other day?” she said with a sudden change in tone.

I kept quiet as I was dumbfounded and taken by shock.

“That was not what I meant. I mean… I mean…”, tilting my head down in shame.

“Come on, I was just pulling your leg” she chuckled. “So are you still eating Cai Tao Kway every morning?”

I wanted to ask her if she still loves her “Chee Cheong Fun”.

I looked up and I can only see that young lady that I once met in 1969 and the tanned skin she used to have with those two pig tails.

Some things never change.




Author
Johnny Kwek

Little Johnny

** I apologize for the appalling use of languages here but they are the only one that rhymes.

When I was just a little boy, I asked my auntie, what would I be?
Would I be bitchy? Would I be naughty?
Guess what she said to me…


Oh my little Johnny,
The future is not ours to see.
So keep smacking that sexy ass for me.
And stop calling me auntie.


When I become a bigger boy, I asked my uncle, what would I be?
Would I be sissy? Would I get pussy?
Guess what he said to me…


Oh my little Johnny,
The future is too far to see.
So why not get those sexy ladies,
And start calling them “Honey”


When I become a little man, I asked my girlfriend, what you want me to be?
I can be naughty, I can be sexy
Guess what she said to me…


Oh my little Johnny,
My pussy is only for you to see.
So if you want to get down on me,
You need to find the “G”.


When I become a very old man, I asked my doctor, what do you see?
Am I going to be lucky or its going to be yucky?
Guess what she said to me…


Oh my little Johnny,
Your future is soon too ceased.
But I can see that you are still quite horny
Why not I make you happy.




Author
Johnny Kwek

VIVA - The Dance Floor

If you've haven't heard of the Singapore reality TV series "The Dancefloor" competition.. Now is a good time.

VIVA, comprising of 4 individuals who're no strangers to the social salsa scene of Singapore, banded together to try out for the $50,000 Grand Stash to be won!

In good fun, good spirits, and pulsating with the salsa beat, they submitted the form at the registration booth on 23 Sep 06, Audition Day.

Fast forward to today, it is with pleasure I tell you that Viva is the ONLY Street Salsa team left in the running @Top32.

Viva, your friendly street salsa team, will be on Episode 3 - 21 Feb 2007.

The team endeavoured to do their best and showcase Salsa, as we know it, and what it is about - the love, passion, and fervour of salsa on the dancefloor.

Do support your fellow salsa buddies.. to at least pull Viva through to Top10 and beyond!


Everything above is copied from a friend of mine and here goes the story.

They sweat and they bled fighting through the thousand competitors not just for the prize money. They stood bravely as the last competitor who does Salsa. How many of the others have been sadly ruled out not because that they did poorly during the performance but due to other circumstances.

Sometimes fate does play a part. Who gets to blame that the partner dropped out the competition and someone has to find a new partner and do the choreo all over again. Who gets to blame for the sore eye? Who gets to blame for the very frictional floor? And who gets to blame for the panel of judges who only have eyes for ballroom?

They braved the storm and fought through the plains to show to the world that Salsa still holds its unique position in the dancing scene. Dancing does not only include ball room and hip hoppers. There are so many other dances like jazz, Lindy and contemporary form of dances.

Salsa is still relatively new to our Singaporean crowds and yes it may not attract that many a number of audiences but at least we know we are the pioneer. If only we hold on together and support each others like sisters and brothers, we will grow together as a family.

One day the Salsa fame might get so loud that we could even have Mr. Lee pop up dancing with the girls. We will then hold our heads up and tell the world that, “Obviously that is the case, since Salsa is the champion of the Dance Floor.”

For a short preview of the sizzling performance by our local VIVA, head on to Union Square on this coming Friday to see the first ever public performance by our dancing champions.


P/S: Remember to vote too. Every vote matters.

Play Station – An Inconvenient Truth

Play Station - A toy viewed by the general public. An object that will only be used when one is bored.

No one has ever really understood the weight of its significance.

Only on days like these, I sense its importance and its being in my life.

“Are you free tonight?” said the lonely virgin.

“I have to work tonight, I’m sorry” replied the workaholic.

So its yet another lonely valentines. It is only on times like these that I realized that all my friends around me are attached. Some how I wished they could be single again.

Who and what can I sought for now to cure me of my loneliness? I will not at any expense go to the dance club as I will be some how deemed as a loser to go there on Valentines?

I can fork out all the questions that will be asked if my presence was realized there.

“Why are you here on Valentines? You no girlfriend meh?”

“Alamak, weird to see you here on Valentines? You gay ah?”

“So what should I do today?” I pondered. Maybe I could go to the gym, maybe I can go swim or even maybe I could go read a book or something.

Some how my basic instinct told me that it would be better that I stay indoors today as the sight of the mating love birds could be so awkwardly disturbing.

I turn to my comfort zone. I turn to my Play Station. It is the one who accompanied me through my birthday. It was it who spent time with me on Christmas and I am definitely honored to spend valentines with it.

I came to realize I cannot do without it. What if one day it is sick and not able to function? On days like these, who can I turn to? I cannot imagine and I will not imagine.

May God bless it with Longevity……

@#$%^&*(

Probably it’s because that I am in a bad mood but people are stepping on my toes and they are too much.

I cannot take it lying and decided to put it here to vent my frustration.




I was happily preparing to go for lunch as I walked out from my office towards the lift area denoted by the red line. As I walk past the lift I pressed on the lift button and I waited.

Suddenly, a lady, denoted in blue, from another company on the same floor was walking towards the lift area and while waiting for the lift she circled around.

I was looking out of the window by the side enjoying the scenery of the country’s prime business district and then I suddenly hear a “ding”.

The lift is here and the lady was already walking into the lift. I scuffled to the LIFT A because I wanted to go for my lunch, but when I reach there, the lift door was already closing on me. Fortunately, I have quick fingers and I manage to stop the lift from closing and I strolled into the lift.

Doesn’t the lady know that I am waiting for the lift too? If she thinks that I am waiting for a friend, why the hell would the lift button lights be on? Was it a “hantu” pressing the lift?
Obviously I was waiting for the lift to come. While she was walking into the lift, I swear that by the corners of her wicked eyes, she could definitely see this massive bulk of human meat rushing towards the life. She could just hold on for three more seconds and I will be in the lift already.

Gods knows if as soon as she was in the lift, she continuously pressed the “close” button so that she can keep me out.

As a form of revenge, I let out some really poisonous gas in return.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold"
-- Kill Bill

Happy Valentine's Day

Before its too late, grab a girl or grab a guy.

I am spending valentines alone this year. Boo hoo.. and I am not very happy about it.

But still to all the love birds, a wonderful valentines day to you.

To the single hearted, please watch this if you really can't find a date or any other thing to do.. enjoy.

Singapore Fight of the Generation

Happened on bus 28 at a bus stop outside Sim Lim Square, 10 Feb 2007, 2.30pm.

There must be some pushing and shoving inside the bus, just before the bus stopped.

Then there was an exchange of vulgarities and hand gestures before the young guy got off the bus.

The old guy then continued taunting the young guy.

The bus driver closed the back door after the young guy got off,

but he pressed the emergency button located outside the door to open it.

And what happens next?

Watch it now before it gets censored!!!




OMG!
OMG!
OMG!

I AM GAY

So said the former NBA player.

Former NBA center John Amaechi, who spent five seasons with four teams, on Wednesday became the first NBA player to publicly come out. Amaechi came out of retirement to help England's men's basketball team win the silver medal in the 2006 Commonwealth Games in Melbourne, Australia.

For the full article, please click here.

My views on this issue are "So what is the big a deal that this young man is gay?"

So he is gay and he loves man. He loves to do it with man. The feel of a proper woman disgusts him and he gets more pleasure playing the Nunchakus.

I am perfectly fine with that. He kisses and makes love to man. Not that I do that too, since my lust for women is so much stronger, I see totally nothing inappropriate.

Just like how I view a woman, long hair, fair skin, big eyes. Pretty!

In the same context, he may view it as big hairy chest, perfectly trimmed goatee and (I cannot think of anything else) but still, pretty!

Just because he is gay, there seems to be a big hoo haa on the news because he was an ex famous basketball player.

I have friends who are gay. I have friends who are bi-sexual and I definitely have friends who are lesbians. My gay friends probably play the balls better than he play the basketball so why my friend doesn’t get to be on TV?

My friend publicly announced to us he is gay. He eyes men at the Gym. He goes to Fort Road at East Coast Park and he is womenphobic. Does he need to announce it to the whole world?

I am sure with our current social values, we will not discriminate homosexuals. To the most of us, they used to be our friends and they still are and will always be, regardless of their tendency to love the same sex.

I cannot imagine someone being gay though. Lesbians I can understand because two women making out is just so beautiful. But two men making out always makes me ponder? Like I say, I do not discriminate them but I just cannot help it but want to know why the case of giving up a woman for a man.

I need to note a point.

If you are a faggard loving a man, okay. That would just mean that you disgust your body and wished that you were a woman. You hoped daily that one day your penis would just drop off and become a virgina. You hope one day when you look into the mirror, you see a woman in front of you. You love man who could comfort you, love you and protect you.

If you are a bi-sexual, I think you are just fooling around. You are just trying the kick of what others have been saying. You are just exploring. You are just looking into a possibility. You would one day realize that you would still be the man to comfort her, love her and protect her.

If you are a hard core gay, looking for wrestlers or body builders as partners, I cannot imagine what the hell are you doing? I can accept but I cannot imagine. I have to stop here as what I intended to list down is beyond my wildest dreams. Therefore, this means ………… censored.

It came on to me as alarmed as it could be that the suicide rates for men are getting higher and higher. This means that there are more gays nowadays to incur a higher gay suicide rate. This would also conclude that more men are humping men than woman nowadays. Instead of “Romeo and Juliet”, maybe Shakespeare should come up with a “Romeo and Josephliet”.

Tons commit suicide because they are gay. Did they kill themselves because the society is unable to accept them? Did they do it because the parents and relatives could not accept them or because the boyfriend dumped them that day?

Firstly, suicide is stupid. Wasting such a precious life that is hard to come is stupid. If you think that the society is unable to accept you, probably that is because you are unable to accept yourself. You should step up and boldly face the tomorrow and I assure you, a clear blue sky will be waiting. If you had killed yourself because of your wrestler boyfriend, I had nothing to say except for “You stupid dumb ass, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

As mentioned, I believe lesbianism is an art when two beautiful women make out. But what I cannot tolerate is a female women making out with a male woman. I cannot tolerate butches. These bitches steal my women. Usually they look short, they are fat and they pretend to be a man. They uses scotch tape to wrap around their boobies so they look flat-chested. They have short hair and a very disturbing fashion sense loomed above them. They are quite easily distinguished between the norms.

Why do women like butches? I need to emphasize again that they are again, fat, short and ugly. There are dozens of men out there who are handsome and smart, witty and sensitive. Why choose to like women who pretend to be man? Sometimes things are not just the same. Men come with an exclusive weapon that is only available to men, not women pretending to be man.

I am sorry, I can’t hear you. You are saying there are toys nowadays as a form of substitution for more pleasurable sex?

Of course, you can get a dildo from the nearest sex shop closest to you. Nowadays they are flooded with them. For cheapos, you can get a fifty cents banana from the market beneath your housing estate although I encourage you to put in another fifty cents more to get the stronger bananas.

But sometimes, some things can never be the same? Heh!

F-L-I-N-G

Calling to all boys and girls, we will discuss on the noun “fling” today.

“A short period of unrestrained pursuit of one's wishes or desires”
-- Dictionary.com

“Short, often sexual relationship”
-- Wikipedia

Known to all men and women, there must be someone around us who is always on a look out for a fling. It could be your brother, your sister, your best friend or even your boy/girl friend who is out hunting for a fling.


You can actually describe a fling as an ornament of a successful hunting.

“Check out my fling!” The deer hunter said to his friend while holding his prized possession of the deer’s head, high up in the air with a gleeful smile flashing across his face.


Flings apply for men or women looking for short pleasure.

A man has just emptied his bowel after enduring a long four hour of fluids comprising of beer, coke and miscellaneous drinks. He completes his pee and flicks his little manhood. He gave a shiver and lets out a satisfied “Ahhhhhhhhhhh”. “This is a good fling” he said. It was short. It was pleasurable and he totally enjoyed it.


The golden phrase needs to be questioned.

“Why do men or women look for a fling?”

Is it because……

1. You are bored of your boy/girlfriend or wife/husband. You need to look for a fresh feed.
2. You are single and you are afraid of commitments and you are in need of a short sexual pleasure.
3. You are gay/lesbian.
4. The peers are adding pressure and you feel left out as you do not have any trophies under your name.
5. You just want to be listed in the Guinness Record for holding the record for the most number of flings dated.
   

Adam and Eve were a lovely couple till the apple came to realize. Was it this form of distraction that people are lured into?

Everyday, we are looking out for new things, new faces, and new stories. Life becomes stagnant to a certain point where everything remains just like that. Water ripples will also one day remains stagnant. There will also be a day where two parallel lines meet. It is normal for men to yearn for excitement and other exhilaration that may or may not happen. All one could do is to sit and wait.

What can we do to expedite this reaction?

Flings are short as quoted by references. Short relationship should also have the rights to own a perfect ending. It may not be everlasting but at least it should be unforgettable.

There are certain rules of the game that one as a “Flinger” has to follow.

Do not eat at the place you shit.

You are a teacher. You do not fling with your students. This is morally incorrect. I heard a story over the radio today and I would love to share.

A 70 year old man violated one of his students for five consecutive years and the poor little girl is only to date 12 years old. The old fucker was revealed to the public of his immoral sins recently and he was brought to court. The jury’s decision was to give him life imprisonment and listen to what he has to say.

“I know I am in the wrong. I admit to the crimes I have made. The fact that I have confessed to all my crimes should make me less punishable. Given that I am already 70 years old, a life imprisonment would mean that I would have to die in jail. Furthermore, I am, by profession, a researcher who is currently involved in a discovery for the benefit of all men. Jailing me now would mean killing the welfare for men. I propose to the jury to remove the jail imprisonment and convert the punishment to house imprisonment so that I can live and die in my own house and I could still proceed with my research.”
-- Capital 95.8

Hell yeah, fat hope I would think. You have to be punished for the crime that you make regardless of age. It is your own desert to die in jail and I wished you get assed in the (_*_) for all it matters. I am sure no men alive would mind giving up your so proclaimed “research” for you to go to jail.

Eating at the place you shit only makes things smelly and disgusting. The flings although are easier to get since you meet them most of the time or even all the time. But you need to take care of the aftermath. You still meet your fling all the time after the romance was extinguished. Common friends and outsiders tag you as a “flinger”. There is no possible route for other flings from then on.

Identifying who are the fling-able people

It’s not that easy to distinguish the fling-able people and not fling-able people around you. Things gets a bit messy if no proper handling is involved. Generally speaking, assuming one party is interested. It is more favorable for the ladies to initiate.

A simple phrase “Bring me home tonight”

Assuming it was the guy who initiated.
Interested Girl: Sure, but I am staying with my parents, how about yours.
Not-interested Girl: *Piak* (Tight Slap across Face)

Assuming it was the girl who initiated.
Interested Guy: Sure, let’s go now.
Not-interested Guy: Now? You mean now? Okay.

To risk getting a slap across the face is definitely not worth it. To be on the safe side, I propose that the most appropriate flings should be the ones who are currently in a relationship or those who are married.

Assuming you had a fling with an unattached woman. The next day she asked you the MVQ “Most Valuable Question”.

“What do you take me for?”

Assuming if it was an attached woman, this scenario would not happen.

Base on this theory, single woman out there, I am telling you, you are safe. No men would fling with you. If you want a fling, get yourself a man.

* Disclaimer: Please note that no intended parties are to be named in this blog post. Stories and remarks included are fictional and all part of the imagination. If so coincidentally something similar happen to you, you cannot sue me as I already made this section of disclaimer. bleh!

What is Confidence?

Generally speaking, what is confidence?

“Confidence is a trust or faith that a person or thing is capable”
-- Wikipedia

Madam Simpopo posed me that question that day and I replied in jest.

“Confidence is an aura that you display to others whom others will perceive. You are only confident only when others think you are. If one thinks that him/herself is confident, my take on that is a negative take as self confidence to me is a flaw.”

“You can dance so well, I really think you are confident.” Madam Simpopo alleged with a smile and I can see her stunning teeth so white I think it can glow in the dark.

“Really? Let me make a point here. Everyone can look confident with the correct amount of spice and accessories. Looking good may make one confident. Smelling good may make one confident. Many would take it down to years of experience that they have shed on the dance floor as a form of confidence but the cold hard truth of confidence lies in everyone. Regardless a newbie who cannot dance for shit or any old bird standing right in front of you can be very confident. All they need is that X-factor.”

“Would you care to explain further into that X-factor if it is worth mentioning?”

Pointing to a lady hiding in the corner of the dance floor strapped in a pink plain T-shirt with denim jeans, I asked.

“Do you think she is confident?”

Simpopo eyed her for a while and replied, “She does not seem to dance very well, so my take would be that she is not very confident.”

I listed out another lady on the dance floor dressed in a Manchester United Jersey accessorized with a golfer’s cap.

“Do you think she is confident?”

“Of course she is good; her name is XXXX, a performer from XXXX!!!”

Choking on my own saliva, I smiled and responded. “I have danced with both of them before and the feel and the style portrayed by both is very different. The one by the pink lady is comfortable and smooth. Furthermore, her styling is appropriate and she displays a more relaxed feel for the partner. For the Man-U fan, she dances pretty well but the fact is I feel that she is over doing it most of the time and her rhythmic beat is not as strong but yes a great performer in terms of her endless shimmy. My vote would also be that the Man-U fan is more confident.”

“Now I am a bit confused, so your point would be?” Madam Simpopo questioned, looking puzzled and stone.

Pointing yet to another dancer on the dance floor, “My point is simple. That lady dancing there may not be the best dancer on the floor but she may be the most confident one there is. She appears to be confident because we proclaim her to be. There are millions of performers from various schools out there and people may think they are the best dancer there is to be, and they in turn become confident. Many have missed out the humble yet silent dancers that lurks in the dark who does not rise among the evil who apparently are very good dancers and WE think they are not confident cause they are not as popular as the others.”

I took a sip on my margarita and I continued after clearing my throat. “When I started dancing, I was clad in T-shirt and jeans, after sometime, I shed the norm away and I begin to paste ‘Adidas’ stickers on my slacks and tees. Some time after that, I slid into my singlet and now I am choosing from the brightest clothes I could ever lay my hands on in a store. People yearn for attention as people will perceive you as confident. So many times ladies come in the smallest tee and shortest denim skirts man has ever tailored to the dance floor. Spaghetti stripes singlet hung by the neck is so common nowadays, not to mention the bare backs and the tube tops. When the dancers come in these garnishes, people would tend to focus on them and slowly these frills becomes the reason WE think they are confident.”

Pondering, Madam Simpopo looked at herself who was wearing a sexy laced, low cut spaghettis, and said, “Well, I don’t remember myself started dancing in these clothes too. So are you saying that the less you dress, the more confident you will be?”

“Maybe? Although this theory definitely does not apply to the gentleman sitting at that corner.” Pointing to that fat bastard dressed in a tight white singlet sipping his beer while scratching his belly.

“What that is worth mentioning is this, as one believes he/she is getting better, he/she will start to dress differently. They themselves start to think that they are at a certain level better than the others and they need to distinguish themselves among the rest. This is the norm and there is no way we could do to change this fact. The basis that I have known some really good dancers who are humble and not a potential show off puts these confident dressers to shame. Too much styling in a dance makes it ugly and too little makes it not impressive. Being able to display the right amount of styles and character would then make the dance nice and memorable. You may dress like a hottie; in a bikini or even in a rabbit suit, but the point that you are displaying that you are a slut. Nothing more than that! I am still waiting for the day when someone walks over to her and say ‘You may be pretty, but I do not enjoy dancing with you!’, since I am cowardly engraved to not have the capability to do that, I can only hope and pray for a good show to happen.”


Humility is a Virtue!


I am still learning......

DO - RE - ME

I am sure you know this so let's do this together!!!!

[Almost Virgin:(spoken)]
Let's start at the very beginning
A very good place to start

[Almost Virgin]
When you read you begin with A-B-C
When you sing you begin with do-re-mi

[Children]
Do-re-mi, do-re-mi

[Almost Virgin]
When you bath you happen to see 小弟弟
When you sleep you begin to shout molest me

[Children]
Molest me

[Almost Virgin]
The first three notes just happen to be

Do-re-mi, do-re-mi

Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti

[Almost Virgin: (spoken)]
Hmmmm….Let's see if I can make it easier for you guys

Doe, a deer, a female deer
Ray, a drop of golden sun
Me, a name I call myself
Far, a long, long way to run
Sew, a needle pulling thread
La, a note to follow Sew
Tea, a drink with jam and bread
That will bring us back to Do (oh-oh-oh)

[Almost Virgin:]
Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do
So-do!

[Almost Virgin: (spoken)]
Now children, do-re-mi-fa-so and so on
are only the tools we use to build a song
Once you have these notes in your heads
you can sing a million different tunes by mixing them up
Like this.

So Do La Fa Mi Do Re

[spoken]
Can you do that?

[Children:]
So Do La Fa Mi Do Re

[Almost Virgin:]
So Do La Ti Do Re Do

[Children:]
So Do La Ti Do Re Do

[Almost Virgin:(spoken)]
Now, put it all together.

[Almost Virgin and Children:]
So Do La Fa Mi Do Re, So Do La Ti Do Re Do

[Almost Virgin:(spoken)]
Good!

[Almost Virgin:(spoken)]
So we put in words. One word for every note.
Like this.

When you know the notes to sing
You can sing most anything

[spoken]
Together!

[Almost Virgin and Children:]
When you know the notes to sing
You can sing most anything

Dough a bread that makes me fat
Rainne a bitch that always makes me sweat.
Mee, that comes with Hokkien or Prawn
Fa, in the middle of Gong Xi Fa Cai
So, its just so so so so so
Lar which is similar to a leh
Tea, something you get from Ah-Kun
That will bring, bring, bring, bring
Us, us, us, us
Back, back, back, back
To, to, to, to
Dough!!!!!

Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-Do
So-Do

[-- Applause --]



Author
Johnny Kwek

The Devil's Reject

I have written other posts that I decided to censor due to bad writing. Today I will display my list of nonsensical writing. Good blogs, bad blogs are still my blog. Regardless how stupid it would make me, it at least acts as a graveyard for me to put my collection to sleep.

Silently I hide

In his blogging i cite

Never meant to be seen

I try to see the light

I know its just me

Although it was his imperial decree

To have me silenced

Due to such unruly writing

I am the worst he has ever written

I never blame him for having me forgotten

I only hope he can take pity on my rights

And let me see that flower over the meadow bright

I only hope one day I can fight

To be able to fly like a kite

Just like the Phantom

To sing throughout the night

I do not suffer from child neglect

neither am I a rape suspect

I am just a part

of his Devil's reject

Author
Johnny Kwek

Special Substance Ejaculation

“Oops, I am sorry. But I think my sweat just dripped into your cleavage!”

“Don’t worry; I salivated all over your shoulder too!”


“Water is a chemical substance that is essential to all known forms of life. It appears colorless to the naked eye in small quantities, though it is actually slightly blue in colour. It feels wet to the touch. It covers 71% of Earth's surface.”
-- quote Wikipedia

We shag and we shag a lot during a dance. In the midst of a dance we excruciate water particles from all parts of our body. We can feel the sweat from tips of our hair, from our fingers and from our back. Sometimes, to the extent we sweat in our feet and definitely in our groins.

Salsa is an exertive sport. It is a sport that requires us to use a lot of our energy to move and salsa with the music. It requires us to move on the beat which incurs concentration to the music and also a balancing of musicality. It requires us to learn the potential of our body isolations that moves with the music. It requires us to sweat.

Water which is a combination of Hydrogen and Oxygen emulates from our body all the time. Our body consists of 30% water and 69% flesh, the rest being the special substance that our body ejects on stimulated basis. We produce water from our body all the time when we dance. The more you move, the more you sweat.

It is not a shame or a disgrace for one to sweat. Unless you are ejaculating the special substance all the time, which I will say you are a freak, I would think it is totally appropriate to sweat.

I have encountered countless partners who sweat so much that you can see that trickle flowing down the face dripping onto the dance floor, creating a minute pool of mirage. I have seen partners so wet that the cloth around the body was soaked to the maximum capacity and one touch on the clothes would give you a soggy waterfall sensation. I have seen sweat trickling down between the eyes to the nose. Slowly it slides to the edges of the lips. The tongue suddenly maneuvered with one powerful swipe, took the sweat as part of their thirst quenching reaction.

I would whole heartedly admit that sweat is a great form of disturbance to me in a dance. I hate to have sweat from someone else on me as that would be pretty disgusting. I hate to wear a soggy shirt when I am dancing as that would be disgusting to her. I hate it when I dance on the dance floor and feel the sweat flying onto me by the other couple on the dance floor. I hate to have sweat accumulate in my pants in such a way that by the time I opened my fly in the gents, water will just burst and flow. I hate to have sweat accumulate in my pants in such a way that it trickles down my knee and to my Achilles’ heel where the water will just drip whenever I walk, leaving a trail of dog piss.

As part of the evolution, men have evolved and transformed flaws into their advantage. I have seen men wiping sweat of their forehead and wipe it on their body or a towel. I have seen men wiping sweat of their forehead and wipe it on the partner.

The worst of it all happens to be sweat around the armpit which I will induce serious censorship due to NC16.

The point of it all will still mean that men sweat and I am not ashamed. I am not ashamed of the sweat that I have produced during all these time when I am dancing with you or you or you. I sweat because I am heavily addicted to dancing and I don’t think that such trivial would matter at all.

The one thing that I cannot stand still revolves back to the special substance that ejects on the stimulated basis.

ATTENTION ALL MEN AND WOMEN. PLEASE DO NOT EJECT SPECIAL SUBSTANCE ON ME.

I DON’T TAKE SALIVA!!!

Who Wants To Be The Dumbest Millionaire?

OH MY GOD!!! HOW CAN THINGS LIKE THIS HAPPEN? READ ON...



NEW YORK – Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire." It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing "the absolute worst use of lifelines ever."

After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:

"Which of the following is the largest?"
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

"Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie," said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. "I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be."

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

"Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!" exclaimed Evans. "Darn. I think I better phone a friend."

Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

"Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!" said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. "Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun."

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

"Come on Betsy, are you sure?" said Evans. "How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it."

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'

"I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience," said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

"Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking," said the too-stupid-to-live Evans.

"But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer." Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'