Love Is To Let Go

Adaptation of a True Story. Names have been altered and if it happens to you, it’s a mere coincidence.

*Warning :: Tissue Alert*


“Why? Why me?” I have totally lost track of how many times I have said that to myself. Why am I born to this world to suffer a life of pain and disappointment? God has never been fair to me. I understand every living soul has a purpose in this world but I have yet to find mine. The only reason that my heart is still beating is you. You are the air that I breathe and you are the one that I need. Without you I might as well end this chapter and hopefully it might start again just like the story of a butterfly.

My name is Lestat and I used to be a healthy looking baby till when I was 19 when my life looks so bright, it suddenly looked so bleak. I was diagnosed with tumor, brain tumor. I am only 19 and I was supposed to be going for white water rafting this weekend but boomed I will be lying if I said this did not come to me as a shocker. Have you ever got hit by a truck? I just did.

I am on a bed, lights so bright like they were going to kill a vampire. Six stunning light rays hovering above me. The ringing sound of an automatic lawn mower embeds itself in my head. It’s not the lawn mower you idiot. They are shaving my head. It’s been three months since I heard about the news. The heart breaking news that’s going to change my life forever. The doctors in their white robes with their masks around their face, makes me feel like they are throwing me into a mask chamber or so. Can’t they do something to make the patient feel better? Only the nurses who held my hand saying, “boy, you will be just fine”. But thank god, you were there. Your presence make me felt that there is nothing in this world that could take me down. Nothing as scary as compared to you shedding a tear. Nothing.

I opened my eyes, with this shrieking pain at the top of my head. In front of me, there were people, so many people. Who am I? Where am I? Who are these people? Why are they crying? I gradually scanned through these people. She is so familiar. Who is she? First words that came out from my mouth were E….L….L….E….N! Tears start to roll, why? Head starts to hurt. She is hugging me. Tears flowing. My heart beating…… WHY??

It’s been half a year and I have just begun to write. I remember people telling me that I have lost most of my memory, people telling me I am their son, I am their friend. But thank god I didn’t forget her. During this excruciating half a year, she patiently taught me how to read and write. And also I slowly remembered stuffs. I remembered flying a kite with her and I remembered holding the handles of her bicycle. I am not sure whether I remembered everything but I am glad I remembered something. By the time I am confident of writing, I wrote her a letter.

“Ellen, you are the first person I think of when I am awake and the last before I sleep.”

I was happily saying grace thanking god. “Thank you for bringing her to my life” and I was prepared to give her the letter the next day. And just then I was saying the same old words again.

“Why? Why me?” My mum holding my hand. She was crying. “What happened mum” I said. “Its okay son” her voice so hoarse that I can easily predict that she had been crying for a while now. I was hurried to the doctors and then I remembered what happened. I was on bed. Suddenly this chill ran down my spine. Gradually it went up my head and also to my limbs. I was shaking. Shaking real bad. And that’s all I can remember. At the doctor, he said, “Brain damage resulting in fits, delirium or coma. What your boy just had was fits which is usually part of the side effect suffering from the brain tumor he had!”

“Why? Why me?” I never send out the letter to her. I fully understand what Jesus had to suffer for mankind. Who am I why do I need to suffer all these for whom? I do not compare myself to the saviour but at least I hope that by disillusioning myself I will be able to sooth my yet despicable and ugly soul that I possess.

I am on my couch blaming the world of what I am today. I am on the net and I met this lady. She is complaining to everyone how she hated her life and how much she wants to end it. I opened up to her and I believe that no one has ever heard of a story as worse as mine. I feel better. I feel better because being the worse; I can make people feel that they are not. There is always something in life so miraculously defined such that one’s sorrow can always built up someone’s happiness. I started talking to a lot of people. Some people spoke about financial issues and also breakup has always been a common topic. I managed to pull them back to the “orthodox” path that they were supposed to be on. I am happy.

Sometimes I opened up too. I came to realize, I love Ellen. That is a fact and I have never believed otherwise. I am prepared to give everything for her. But loving one does not mean possessing one. “Give her wings to fly” someone commented. And yes I did. Ellen left for the states to pursue her studies. I missed her badly. I told myself. I can’t give her a life that I wished I could. I can only pray to god everyday that someone else could give her what I couldn’t give. At that moment, it hurts but I know it’s the best present that I could give to her. Knowing her so well, someone who is able to take care of her, be with her and most importantly, bring a smile to her face, calms me down. I will let her soar so high so far that I am sure she will find him.

It’s been a year now that Ellen has not been with me. My usual fits still hits me sometimes but not as often. Things are looking pretty good. I shared talks with many tumor patients and I am still maintaining my usual chats on the net to see if there was any other good person out there who needs my help. The same person who commented to let her fly commented again. “It’s about time you fly now” I read in shock. Me? Fly? I am an eagle without wings. How can I fly?

I did not fly. I am like a premature chicken with feathers so little that I have no confidence to fly. I met a friend. A young girl. A lady so sweet that I wished I could fly. Her name is Tiffany. She is a tuition teacher. I enjoy those small chats with her daily although her mum is quite stern with her. I opened up to her. I don’t use her as a rebound but I see her as a hope, a shining ray in the dark.

“Why? Why me?” again it happened. She said she would never want to see me again. Out of the blue, when everything seems so calm and smooth, she never wants to see me again. “Why? Why me?” Could it be anything that I have done or I have said that happened to be wrong, or was it that I was too possessive? Probably a week of calming down, taking it slow would be nice I thought.

A month had past, and I never found her back. She seems to just disappear in mid air. Even David Copperfield can’t pull a trick like that.

“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, what is not mine, one shall not lust!”

I replied to the person who posts the comment to ask me to fly. “I Flew, I Found, I Fell” For the first time the person replied in a very long email.

“I am happy you tried. People learn from failure. It takes courage to try. Believe in yourself like how people believed in you. Think of all the people you have spoke to and helped when they are down. Love yourself like the way you loved me.

Luv
- Ellen -”


Author
Johnny Kwek
From me to you. Stay Strong and Be Strong.